little tree trimmings

Be it resolved...

2012-01-04T22:45:00.000-05:00

Enuma Okoro in Reluctant Pilgrim writes, "It felt like the sadness you feel after you finally decide to stop trying to make a bad relationship work-- defeated resignation tinged with stabs of relief and momentary freedom."

Before recently, I don't think Okoro's words would have resonated with me, but I read them today and say, "Yes! I know exactly how that feels!" Maybe part of the reason I can relate now and not before now is that it is only recently that I have ever given myself any sort of permission to stop trying to make a bad relationship work. In fact, my typical way is to try hard to make almost every relationship work. And when I say hard, I mean hard: withstanding rejection & emotional manipulation, saying no to inner passions and sense of calling...

In the past few weeks, I have felt at peace about letting go of some of these relationships. Of course, the nagging nelly or maybe even voices from the Bruderhof visitors we recently hosted whisper in my ear, "What about brotherhood? What about unity? What about unconditional love?" I'd like to answer saying that I can still love the childhood friend who does not return my affection without trying so hard only to be rejected. I'd like to hush the whispers by explaining that I can still love my coworker without engaging in heated debates and hurtful emotional drama. I can work with them without being their friend. I want to tell the nagging voice that it is ok to just let that family member contact me rather than fret about making some sort of strange feeling and forced connection.

I'm not convinced of my own reasonings and excuse,though. I am convinced that it feels right to let go. Right, with a little sadness mixed in. And so, for now I will do just that.

Wash over me

2012-01-02T13:17:00.001-05:00

Driving down a city road
The past washes over me
Suddenly I am 17 again
Friendships are being made without me
Slumber parties, inside jokes, bonding
And I am not a part.

Everyone witnessed
Everyone knew
Trusted adults, childhood pals
They let it happen without me

Why?
What was it about me
15 years later
Asking the same question
What is it about me
Driving down a city road
The feeling washes over me
And then it is gone
For now

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

blog ambitions

2011-11-30T21:48:00.001-05:00

Ideas run through my head all the time: the next coolest restaurant, the soon to be top selling novel, and the blog that'll be a breeze to write and everyone will love.

Sometimes my brain is more ambitious than I want it to be.

I can't open up a ramen place in Charlotte. There's no way I have time to write that book about all sorts of different people's lives crossing one another's and centering the story of a young couple with a sick daughter in the hospital that ends with a mixture of grief and hope. And how in the world would I write the anonymous blog of letters everyone wishes they would write: the letter to the teacher who's breath made you hate math; the letter to the childhood friend who doesn't return your attempts at keeping in touch; the letter to the person who donated your favorite t-shirt to the goodwill where you found it for $1.50.

Maybe one of these days....until then, I'll haphazardly update this blog and keep thinking good ideas.

Sometimes....

2011-11-17T17:04:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I still pick up the phone and dial my grandmother's number. The thing is, she's not there to answer on the other line.

Whatever happened to them?

2011-10-16T20:47:00.001-04:00

Whatever happened to the ones I used to be so concerned about? The ones who I tried so hard to please? Whatever happened to that boy I paid such close attention to? What every happened to those girls who made me feel less than...well, just less than? What ever happened to those good ole buddies? Where'd the girls go who pointed fingers at my life decisions? Where are the ones that I cried over leaving? Thirty years have passed and some of those folks just don't exist anymore. Why is that? Where are they?

Now there are new ones. Ones that have taken place of the others. Sometimes functioning in the same ways as before, some new and fresh- more life giving. At least, I hope so. Time passing does crazy things to relationships and life.

Good ole boys

2011-10-10T14:16:00.001-04:00

I believe that hell involves being present at a good ole boys meeting. Oh my! To top it off, they'll be wearing suits and ties and I'll be wearing blue jeans.

Hug

2011-10-10T11:49:00.000-04:00

Someone just gave me a good hug. No one ever hugs me. I'm just not one to draw many hugs and usually I am ok with that. The hug today, though, was just what I needed. It was really nice. Thanks, Mandy.

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

Wishy washy

2011-10-10T11:48:00.001-04:00

It is only Monday, but I already feel like the week is going to go by without notice. We'll spend minutes and hours and days with one another and yet we won't notice, won't remember anything significant or good. We'll go through the motions: welcome neighbors, write sermons, run errands and then the week will be over and we'll have wished we'd done things differently. We'll have wished for alone time, nap time, creative time, an inspiring experience, a good meal, something beautiful...and the week will have been over and the time is past. On to another week.

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

Art/Craft Show

2011-10-07T14:31:00.001-04:00

I hope everyone comes out to our little arts and crafts show in November.

Get it together

2011-10-06T15:06:00.001-04:00

I can't seem to get it together lately. I want it all, but instead have to make choices; choices I don't want to make.

Pick one, Helms:
Rest or exercise
Artistic expression or a clean house
Good food or cheap food
A well tended garden or time with the boys

The choices grow from there.
I wish I could have it all...lose weight, enjoy food, quiet time, good friends, good ideas, plan for the chaos...but it just isn't possible right now.

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

Several things

2011-09-29T23:25:00.001-04:00

I may be crazy taking two toddlers to a nice italian place by myself, but I did and the boys were complete angels. We even got a compliment from the extremely surgically enhanced couple sitting by us.

I was so ultra productive today that I decided to balance with total unproductivity this evening.

I am watching a marathon of Felicity reruns. The reflection in the netflix computer screen, when it goes black between scenes, looks like my Mother.

I finally got new shoes. Maybe my feet won't hurt so badly. One can only hope.

I didn't take a shower today until the boys went to bed. Now I feel good and clean.

That's it for now.
Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

Hand written letters

2011-09-13T15:53:00.001-04:00

For years and years, I wrote letters and sent cards to people. I don't get around to writing as many as I used to. I even wrote letters throughout college. I never really got response notes.
The only person who wrote me back as a kid was Anna. She and I were pen pals for years and years. Now we keep up via facebook.
It is sort of a bummer these dyad when I check the mail and there is nothing there but junk. In the back of my mind, I think to myself that all those letters I wrote will amount to some "real" mail in the mailbox. I sure hope so!

Memoirs: Chris, part 2

2011-09-09T21:58:00.001-04:00

There are other times I remember mission trips spent playing Bryan Adam's "Everything I do," working in clothes closets and food pantries, performing for talent shows and in musicals, going for the first and only time to Chris' house, playing basketball, and cheering for all the RA games, and more.
A couple of years after the Amy blabbermouth experience, Amy and Chris started dating. I was so angry and hurt when I found this out. She knew what this would to do me! And surely he knew something about my crush by now! It was during this time that the flame I had for Chris began to dim. I started seeing other faults in him: smoking, drinking, rebelliousness, differing opinions, skipping school, etc. It was also around this time that my brother, Jackson, and Chris were at odds with one another- fighting and arguing. I took on other crushes, filled my notebook with other guys' code names and initials. Chris was still on the list, but not on the top anymore.
When Chris' crush status dropped a bit, that's when I actually got to know the real him, but by then it was too late, we were already seniors, getting ready to graduate.
Actually, Chris ended up not graduating. I was so upset about this. I felt hurt and betrayed! He'd been with me through everything, but he wasn'ts going to go through graduation with me. He was so smart and he knew everything! He got a 1375 on his SAT's, for goodness sake!
I only got a 1100! And here I was graduating from high school and from the youth group- in a way without him.
That last summer was tough. He still went on all the trips, but something was different, something had changed. I was so sad to leave and let go of everything: church, home, friends, the youth group, and of Chris.
I remember coming home from the mission trip thinking that this was the end - the end of an era. We drove through the streets of Raleigh, my eyes welling with tears. Chris was sitting in the bus seat in front of me. (Amy draped by his side) I (daringly-for me, that is) reached my hand in front of me and placed it on his shoulder and said something like "This is it, you know?" He grabbed my hand and held on and said, "I know." He held my hand through the next few turns to the church and when we arrived to the parking lot, he squeezed my hand, which to me felt like he was saying "It'll be ok." I left the bus that day, letting Christopher go.
I went off to Boone, NC to go to college. I told myself when I got there that I'd keep up with certain people. Chris was one of the people on that list. I wrote him letters from school telling him what was going on and how I was doing. I kept on writing, but never received anything in return. My sophomore year, I received a letter from Chris. In it he wrote about how good and loyal of a friend I was and about how thankful he was for our friendship and the letters I sent. I cherished the letter, read it a hundred times over, kept it in my journal. I've written Chris off and on for 10 years and that letter is the only one I've ever received, but it is enough.
One last story...We had a lock in one time during which Chris was playing classical guitar. I told him then and there that I wanted him to play at my wedding. I laughed at my own boldness in even saying as much to him. Years later, I got engaged. One of the first orders of business for planning the wedding-get Chris to play and he did. At the rehearsal dinner, as I went around the room, I introduced my guests to one another. When I got to Chris, I decided to lay it all out on the line. "This is Christopher," I said, "I was in love with him practically all my life." Everyone giggled, thinking I was joking or something. But I being for real and I think he knew it. (and if he didn't, my other good friends were sitting with him to verify the facts.) That night, after everyone left, I stopped to talk to Matt. He didn't seem shocked or amazed by what I had said. It didn't phase him a bit. He just smiled, gave me a hug, and carried his guitar out the door.

Migraine

2011-09-07T20:08:00.001-04:00

We are supposed to be on break from Hyaets for two weeks. This way, we can regroup, recenter, rest, and get some other things done.
I have a long list of things I need to get done during this time: plant new plants, research, strategic planning, budgeting, find a routine that works...
Instead, I wake up to find out our house mate thinks he brought bed bugs into his room IN OUR HOUSE and he's in great pain and needs us to go with him to the doctor. OH, and the great big Hyaets project that we have been assigned to work on during our break...well, the neighbor who promised to help out couldn't get it all done, so I am working this afternoon for a couple of hours on said project. These were not on my list. Neither is the migraine that I now have or the sick husband or the laundry someone piled on my bed or the dishes piled in the sink...or the strange smell in the Hyaets clubhouse...or the dog and his meds...or the dirty floor that was just swept and mopped yesterday...

Memoir story #1(part 1): Chris

2011-09-01T20:56:00.000-04:00

(name changed for my own sake, though everyone knows who it really is)

I really don't remember when Christopher came into my life. In fact, it is as if he's been there all along. Like a shadow on a sunny day or the smell of maple in October, Christopher has always been present. There at times when II've noticed and times when I have not.
Once, when I was rummaging through some old pictures at church, I came upon a polaroid of my three year old Sunday School class. There, standing around and on top of the toddler sliding board were many of my childhood buddies. Ty, Anna, Marcia, and I stood with others and smiled with big crooked smiles. Off to the side of our beaming group stood Christopher...grabbing his crotch with a big ole grin.
I was in highschool when I found the crotch-grabbing picture. I laughted at it for days and then decided to share my joy with everyone else in our youth group by posting it on the youth Sunday School bulletin board. No one else laughed as hard as I did over the photo. It seemed like everyone just brushed it off as a silly, cute, little shot. I, however, thought it was hilarious: early 80's clothes, grinning face, and hand between the legs. After a few weeks of posting, I quietly took the photo and placed it in my Bible. From there it made it home and eventually to a photo album.
This is how it has always been. I somehow ended up paying close attention to Christopher- what he's doing, who he's with, what he's wearing, what choices he's making- and everyone else seems not to notice or if they do notice, it oesn't seem as important to them as it did to me. It all started by virtue of us, me and Christopher, being the same age and in the same grade. We learned together, sang in the kids choirs together, ate together, and played together. I remember really noticing Matthew and identifying him as someone special and unique sometime in elementary school.
For a while, us kids would stay for lunch and discipleship training after Big church. Christopher was always the one who knew the answers to the questions in Discipleship Training. He said his parents read to him from the Bible. I wanted to know all the answers and stories too. I wanted a children's Bible like his and I wanted my parents to read it to me. Christopher was also the first one of us to get baptized. I wanna say that he got baptized when we were in the 4th grade, but it may have been even earlier. I wasn't ready to be baptized yet, but I sure did think that he was really cool, smart, and neat to have gone up to the front and all. I admired him for being so certain of himself, of baptism, and of the answers.
On the fourth of july, our church used to gather at Meredith College for swimming, recreation, and a big potluck picnic. It was so much fun to run and play and to be around all my friends celebrating together. For a few years, several of us girls would have a slumber party after the 4th of July picnic and fireworks.
I remember one 4 of July slumber party when I invited Hollis and Amy to spend the night. We stayed up almost all night talking about who we had a crush on. After much prodding, I finally confessed to the girls that I had had a crush on Christopher for years. Hollis, my lontime friend, already knew this, but it was new to Amy. I remember being nervous about talking about it and I remember hoping that nothing would get said to Christopher about it. I should have known better! The next week at church everyone was, it seemed, talking about me and my crush. I was so embarrassed! Christopher, or maybe a messenger- I don't remember- came up to me and asked if it was true. Too embarrassed amd scared to admit it, I denied my undying love for Christopher and went home sad and ashamed. That night, I spent a lot of time crying and wishing Amy was dead.
I likee Christopher so much that I memorized all sorts of details about him. Full name, birthdate, parents names, phone number. I memorized his phone number by putting the numbers to the tune "867-5309." I wrote his initials with mine all over my notebook. I gave him a code name, "blue eyes", so that I could write about him without anyone knowing. Only my closest friends knew and I didn't let them in on ALL of my secrets.
One of the most upsetting times that I ever got into trouble was because of Christopher. We were in children's choir rehearsal. I set next to Stuart. Stuart sat next to Christopher. Stuart was acting up disrupting rehearsal to get attention. Miss Pam, our leader, asked him to leave the room. She took him outside in the hallway to reprimand him for his behavior. While Stuart was getting talked to, I thought I'd be sneaky an dmove over one seat to sit next to my crush, hopint Miss Pam and Christopher would not notice the difference. When Miss Pam walked in the room, though, the first thing she did was notice! And I was in big trouble. She took me out in the hall...me-who never broke rules or got into trouble...and told me how disappointed she was in me. I was yet again so upset and embarassed that I hid in the women's robing bathroom and cried until I was red in the face and my mom had to come find me and splash water on my cheeks.
At some point around the beginning of middle schoo, Christopher decided that he would go by "Chris." This was a very difficult change for me. I had not been in love with a "Chris!" I had been in love with "Christopher." With the name change came other changes as well...Pink Floyd shirts, guitar strumming, and longer hair.
It was around this time that I witnessed Christopher's first ever mistake, in my eyes. We had graduated to the youth choir, of which my mom was director. One Wenesday night during rehearsal, "Chris" had come in late. (mistake #1) And he was wearing a hot pink shirt with RED umbro shorts (mistake #2). My mom always said that pink and red were tacky. I remember giggling to myself about his fashion faux pas and being amazed that Christoper,could commit such a heinous act.
In the seventh grade, our youth minister started the middle school retreat. About 20 of us when up to camp Caraway to spend time getting to know one another. I remember riding up to Caraway listening to Whitney Houston, Extreme, and Queen. It was on this trip that Christopher's guitar playing skills made their debut. I distinctly remember we were in the guys' cabin just hanging out trying to pass the time when Christopher got out his guitar and played "More than Words." I simply wanted to melt! I also wanted to sing along, to pretend as if we were a duo, which is what I thought we were meant to be. But, I didn't do either. I sat their listening and pretending that his playing was no big thing.
This trip was also the first experience that I had with Spin the bottle. The girls convinced Chris, Stuart, and Robert to play. Some of them knew I had a crush on Chris and others knew that Kathryn had a crush on Robert, so they started up the game hoping to play match maker. After a few turns and a few pecks, the stakes got higher and suggestions of time spent in the dark closet were thrown into the mix. It was at these mentionings that I made my quiet escape- scared and anxious to think of what might happen if I were paired with Chris in the closet: Would I be rejected? I don't even know how to kiss! What if we get caught by the chaperones? My scaredy cat chicken self took the fast escape route, but regretted it later.

Memoirs

2011-09-01T20:16:00.000-04:00

In 2006, I decided to start writing my Memoirs. It kind of sounds funny to start your memoirs when you're a healthy 28 year old. But, I did. I wrote down a couple of stories in a three ring binder and set the notebook on a shelf so I could come back to it. After writing several stories, I stopped writing. I moved on to some other project. I pulled out the notebook today. Thought I'd type out the stories and post on the blog.

update

2011-09-01T20:14:00.000-04:00

I want to get things done, but I'm exhausted.
I want to make things, but I'm in a rut.
My feet hurt, I need new shoes. I can't find the time to go to the store. I can't convince myself to spend the money.
I had to replace my new phone with another. I don't want to re-input all the info, apps, and good stuff. But now that I've become dependent on the phone, I need some of that stuff. (lists, contacts, email)
I need to exercise, lose weight. I'm not interested.
I want a free weekend-free space-free time-free house, one without children, without responsibilities, without accountability. Not for long. Just long enough. Not really possible.
I'm not in a bluesy place or a sad place. I almost feel lazy with a side of heavy.
We're supposed to get a two week break from Hyaets, but others are heaping responsibilities onto my plate. I'm full, people, I'm full. And looking at you as you're working hard and taking on more and more only serves to make me feel guilty and heavier.
We eat communally, we pray communally, we discern communally. Can't we rest communally too?

On the road

2011-08-28T19:49:00.001-04:00

Driving to see Nana. Maybe for the last time. Wanted to take the train, but Irene wouldn't let me.
It is my favorite time of day. Dusk in the summer. First, This American Life, then blasting my favorite cd. Thanks to Molly for making it for me 7 or so years ago. It makes me think of you.
Staying with an old friend tonight. Want to ask questions. Hope we get a chance to be us before the morning comes.

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

The last days

2011-08-25T22:22:00.001-04:00

The last days of summer were filled. Very full.
School started today. Already one missed bus, ride given.
Neighborhood walk about after school. Reports good.
Group coming in the morning to help us recuperate. I love these people. They restore the home and the soul.
So tired, though. Will I be able to give anything at all: attention, guidance, listening ear, energy?
Two weeks of break can't come fast enough. Half break, really. Still have another job, and children, and house, and, and, and.
I don't want to be that person, the one who responds to, "How are you?" With a grin and "busy" as a response. Sadly, that's who I am at this moment. Like it or not.

The best thing to do with the best thing in life...

2011-08-23T21:24:00.001-04:00

...is to give it away.

I got this quote from one of my all time favorite books, The Education of Little Tree. I've been living by this quote, giving away the best things, pointing towards the best things, handing over the best things. I'm wondering, though, does the quote have to apply to dreams? Do I really have to give my dreams away?

I am a big dreamer. I've got a list of things I think would be cool to accomplish, things I would love to see happen but I might not be able to make happen: The Thrifty Momma- the maternity clothing thrift store that utilizes donations from once-pregnant women and hires women from our neighborhood to run the business; Wheelie's- the restaraunt that serves meat and three type meals, but you can pick and choose what you want using a wheel-type dial of a menu; a yard that is beautiful and peaceful with an outdoor shower and no mosquitoes. These are dreamy dreams that make me yearn and pine and sometimes draw and write.

Some dreams I share with others, not wanting to give them totally away. Just sharing. We talk about these dreams together, think of what could be, make little plans in our heads.

The best thing to do with the best thing in life is to give it away.

The dreamer I have been sharing with begins to feel a calling. The dream, for them is becoming more of a reality, but it can't be a reality for me. Not now, not hear, maybe not ever. Do I have to give the dream away? Can I give the dream away? Should I?

I don't want to. But I often don't want to give other good things away: a day to rascally children, the last sip of cold milk to the begging son, a piece of the chocolate I have stashed in the secret place. I give them away anyway. Because that's what I do. That's what I'm supposed to do. Right? So what about dreams? Do I have to let them go too?

A piece of my day

2011-08-22T14:46:00.000-04:00

Breakfast meeting, bible study/sermon prep, drive home, eat, feed 20, take 20 on city bus, 2 chaperone's, age range of kids: 1-16, at park.

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

Cravings (no, I am not pregnant)

2011-08-21T19:13:00.001-04:00

I don't get weird cravings, I get regular cravings. Things I almost always crave: chocolate, cheese, fizzy water, a cold glass of milk, someone to talk to who will listen well and give desired feedback without a lot of coaching or work, Herdez salsa with lime chips, "real mail" in the mailbox, opportunities to make things, supplies for making things, interesting radio, shoes that make my feet feel good, a quiet moment, to be splashing my feet in cool river water.
I'll stop there. If I kept listing things, it'd just become my "faces" list, but this list is different. This is my craves list. There's a difference, I think.

Falling in love again

2011-08-20T22:18:00.000-04:00

I have fallen totally and completely head over heels in love with my son. I thought I was in love when I first held him. I remember crying those first two weeks after he was born because I felt so attached and so overwhelmed with love. There's no way I would have guessed that my love for him would have been able to grow so much more.
But it has. At just three years old, this little boy has swept me off my feet.
Falling in love again is fun and exciting...and scary. I think everyone can list the fun part. The scary part is something like: will he love me this deeply in return? Will I do something to screw this up? Will something bad happen? If/when it does, how will I cope?
I try not to think about the scary part, but it is there. Thankfully, the crazy busy-body little boy and his sweet brother, who I'm just getting to know, are good at disgracing me from my fear and overwhelming me with wonders and joy.

Happy birthday, Greggie!

2011-08-20T16:54:00.001-04:00

Today is Greg's birthday. So, to celebrate, we did what every normal family does on a birthday. We took a field trip to Compare Foods Grocery store.
We'd heard that Compare Foods had a good selection of Latin American goods and a great lunch counter, so we decided to give it a try with the hopes of also finding a Cuban espresso type coffee maker. Score on all accounts! The food was great. The store was stocked with all sorts of interesting things and we left with all the coffee supplies we needed!
Now, some of my blog readers (do I have any?) Might be surprised to read that our family wants anything to do with coffee. Well, not too long ago, we went to a friend's house and she served Cuban coffee and Greg drank some. Since then, he's been hooked. Not hooked like the chain smoker coffee drinker stained tooth guy that we all know, but hooked like the one Cuban espresso every once in a while kind of guy.
Maybe tomorrow morning Greg'll start the morning off saying, "Hey Joe, wanna cup of Joe?"

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

An update on the dog

2011-08-18T20:49:00.000-04:00

Ok, so the day started off well. "Early", as JTJ decided to call her, took quickly to us. We fed her and gave her water and put her on our back porch for the morning. We took her out to the back yard to do her thing every two hours. She was very gentle and happy.
In the afternoon, I moved her to the bathroom so that we could go in and out to get ready for kids activities. "Early" needed to go outside before we left to take kids to the pool, so I asked Greg to take her. Now, I knew that the dog had a few days ago been picked up off the street by a neighborhood kid. I knew, too, that this same neighborhood kid came to my house on Sunday asking for scraps to feed his "new dog". Anyways, Greg took Early out. Neighborhood children saw Early and made a quick report to the neighborhood boy that we had his dog. (Great.)
While all that's happening, our community members come over to see our newly found dog. I barricade the kitchen and let Early run around in there for a few minutes so that she can get to know folks. After they were done seeing her, we put her back on the porch and went to the pool.
On the way to the pool, in order to ward off any speculation, Greg stopped at the neighborhood boy's house and let him know that we had the dog.
Fastforward 3 hours, we get home and put the boys down for a nap. We're in our room, talking about what to do with the dog. Greg doesn't like the idea of adopting this dog, but she seems neglected and we'd at least take better care of her than she's had already. I sort of like the idea of adopting the dog. We've been talking all day about how it almost felt like she was adopting us: following us in our walk, being so gentle and friendly, obeying our commands. Plus, I was sort of in love with the idea of doing something out of the ordinary, spontaneous, free.
As we're talking about all the possibilities and we're starting to settle into the idea of maybe taking her to the vet and getting her checked out and going from there, there's a knock at the door. Boys are napping, we're talking, we decide not to answer. More knocks. Then, we see three people coming up our back steps.
It is a community member, the neighborhood boy, and the neighborhood boy's very intimidating Dad. Now Early is barking on the back porch and our dog, Matthew, is barking inside. The back porch door is locked and so is our back door. Greg unlocks it and asks the three people to come back to the front of the house. Our community member replies emphatically, "Greg, it is THEIR dog!"
At that moment, my heart begins to sink. I hear the boy and Dad saying that they are going to take the dog home. We have no time and no way we can argue or debate or discuss the matter. At this point, we've gotta wake up JTJ from his nap so he can say goodbye to "Early".
We wake JTJ up and he says goodbye. He cries a little, but takes it pretty well. I, on the other hand, don't take it as well. I'm crushed. I'm sad because we're having to give the dog up without really deciding for ourselves if that's what we're going to do. I'm sad because this stray dog is being claimed by someone who I wonder will be able to take care of it. I'm sad because I was going to have to lose the gleamy eyed feeling of doing something so spontaneous and fun and free. I'm sad because it feels like my time, decision, house, and family has just been invaded upon and taken under siege.
Before "Early" leaves, I stop the neighborhood boy and let him know that I didn't like the way he approached the matter, that I wished that he thought more thoroughly about how his actions would affect other people. (Me, JTJ, Early) Then, I went inside and closed the bathroom door and had a good cry. Silly, I know. I'd only known this dog for 9 hours and I was sad to see it go.
Greg was still chatting with the community member, so I went around the corner for comfort, shed a few tears, and went home.
When JTJ woke back up from his nap, he didn't seem phased. I, however, can't get the whole scenario out of my head. At this point, I don't really wan the dog back (necessarily), I want the feeling back. The feeling of doing something free, fun, loving, and outrageous the just for the sake of it feeling.
Not related to Early, but related to the situation, I'm still upset about how the whole thing went down. I just wish we'd had time to work it all out. I wish we'd had time to talk things out, amongst ourselves and our neighbor. I wish we'd had time to say a proper goodbye. I wish the community member and neighbors would respect the boundaries of our home and lives so that we could have that time and so that we could have the physical space not to be invaded upon.
Oh well, enough "I wishing". We've got a dog, one that one of our interns would accuse us of not appreciating, so it is not like we needed another.
Goodbye Early Girl. Take Care. It was fun while it lasted.

What are we thinking=?UTF-8?B?Pw==?=

2011-08-18T11:08:00.000-04:00

Morning walk. A stray dog joins us for the whole loop. She has two different colored eyes. She's sweet. Jtj named her "early". Are we really considering keeping her? Somebody remind us what a stupid idea this is...and fast!

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

Jealous

2011-08-18T11:01:00.002-04:00

Greg gets on the phone tonight and tells stories and laughs with his best friend (s). I went to dinner without Greg, But with a couple of friends. The two I was with are good friends and I am sort of new to the friend group. I listened and laughed as they updated each other. I soaked up every second of fun and friendship I could. At one point I felt myself getting choked up because I was enjoying our visit so much. Listening to the silly chatter and serious moments and just being there with those people was a real treat, one I do not get often. I got choked up, too, because these moments are so rare. I don't have real intimate and regular visits with friends. I was almost sad at the depth of relationship I was witnessing between the two friends, a level at which I rarely participate. I found myself listening intently, but also wanting so badly to break in with all the stored up stories and topics I have been holding onto for such a moment as this. After listening and engaging in their updates and conversation, I couldn't help but spew out all the things I wanted to say. It was embarrassing, really. "I went to a wedding this weekend and...my grandmother has gone into hospice care...I learning how to make scratch off cards, my grandfather had a heart attack last night..." The words I'd been holding onto came spilling out. The girls listened and engaged with me as best they could, but they probably took me for a little loopy, what with dumping everything on them at once.
We had to wrap up our visit pretty soon after my spewing. I walked away with dreams of visiting with one another again, and soon.

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

a quick review

2011-08-14T20:48:00.000-04:00

about my week...at a glance.

Preached again. First time in three weeks.
Went to a wedding by myself. Only felt awkward a couple of times.
Very very down on my body size. MUST pick back up on excersizing.
Baby boy is sick. Sounds Wheezie. It is kindof funny, but not.
House is much easier to clean with 3 less people, but sure do miss their help.
Front yard was mulched. Looks much better. Feels much better. Much more work to go.
Groups came to help out this week. They worked hard. I was glad for their contributions.
Though I appreciate help, this week when we don't have help, it also means we don't have to be held accountable. After ten weeks of strict accountability, it is nice to have a little relief from that.
Want to make things. Need some supplies. Need inspiration.
Want to hang out with friends. Need friends. :)
Cursing the mosquitoes. They keep me out of the garden even when it is nice outside.
Wore pants just so I could sit in the hammock for a minute. Interrupted, though, by a phone call and neighbor's need. That's ok. Hammock was nice while it lasted.
Best food of the week: Wine tonight, donated potato salad and deviled eggs. I'm a sucker for deviled eggs.
Getting excited about the fall at church.
Dog has his summer itch. Annoying.
Sneaking too many mini M&M's out of the freezer. Who put them there anyway? Thanks a lot, temptor!
Miss talking to my grandmother. Ready for her to come back home.
My Nana is likely going into Hospice soon. Gotta figure out when to get to Raleigh.
Supposed to go to Boone on Friday. Want to go. Need to go. Need to go to Raleigh too.

That'll do for an update today.

Making earrings

2011-08-10T22:34:00.000-04:00

I have been an earring making queen these past couple of weeks!

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

Room to think...thinking about rooms

2011-08-10T20:30:00.000-04:00

The summer is 1 1/2 weeks over! This means I can finally think again!

Summers, for me, are about survival. I don't have the typical parenting woes of "what will I do with my children while they are out of school this summer." Nope. My woes sound more like "What will I do now that I have everyone's children at my home while they are out of school." Every day, we feed neighborhood kids and provide some kind of activity for them. This year, we had the help of 5 interns, but that doesn't mean my job is done for me. Nope. I end up juggling new job, parenting job, Hyaets job, and kid rangling all summer long.

Did I mention I only have 1 1/2 weeks to go?

With the end in sight, I am able to think. Most other times of the year, I am so overwhelmed with all the ideas I have in my head that I get stuck. Right now, though, I am welcoming the new ideas happily. I've got room for new ideas at the moment and that makes me very happy.

Among many of the things I've been thinking about is home decor. Yes, I have been thinking about more "important" things like my new position as Pastor of a church and how to be a better parent. But for one moment, allow my the luxury of talking about something as frivolous as home decor.

First off, I want a Happy Chair http://www.shawnarobinson.com/.

Secondly, I want to repaint my dining room. Grey, teal, aqua? Total color combo: plum, grey, blue, teal, yellow, red
I want to re-do the color combo in the living room to brown, lime green, aqua, scarlet, and plum
Playroom: The color combo is my favorite in the house right now: red, lime, yellow, brown.

I need to do some problem solving so that we can be a bit more organized. Especially in the bedrooms.

It is fun thinking about things again. Glad I have the room!

Painting in the window

2011-08-09T20:36:00.001-04:00

I found this painting in a store window. I really like it. The reds and yellows are not paint, they are beads! That's the coolest part.
And to top things off, I caught a glimpse of this painting just after I enjoyed a chocolate covered waffle cone filled with turtle ice cream at Elizabeth's creamery. Yum!

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

Rainy day

2011-08-05T16:50:00.001-04:00

Pouring down rain. Some flooding in town. What better activity for the 13 kids we had than going bowling? City bus to uptown, rushing to catch it = no jacket, no umbrella. Wet baby. Fancy strike city uptown welcomed the crazies well. I chased wet baby (dry pair of clothes on him) and kids played, shared one big pizza, pretended to play arcade games. Running back through the rain to the transit. Several folks at the transit looked out of place. A quick glance and I figured out that the were evangelizing the transit. I called out to greg to tell him my discovery and was confronted by my very own gospel sharer. From TN, he said there were 12 who were there to tell the truth to the people of Charlotte. (Come on bus! Where are you?)
Yes, I do have a personal relationship with Jesus. Yes this is a group. Yes, they know jesus too. For goodness sakes, ok, I'm a pastor, now can I go?
Bus comes. We get on. Good view of the flooding.
Home. Boys playing in mud. Bath. Pinky's for dinner.

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

Pool day

2011-08-04T15:02:00.000-04:00

Pool days make me nervous. Lots of neighborhood kids and no lifeguard. Today, there were 20. Crazy!
Two more pool days this summer.

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

Dose

2011-08-03T14:37:00.001-04:00

Too tired in the afternoon. Always having to "take 15". Interns gone to Discovery Place with neighborhood kids. Feeling slightly guilty about not going. JTJ wanted to go, cried when he couldn't. To balance things, I committed to cooking and leadership of devos tonight. House is a wreck. Greg is a wreck because the house is a wreck. Can't do it all, be it all, fix it all.
Taking a quiet 15 before the guilt convinces me not to. After 15, i'll get up. Clean. Cook. Straighten. Parent mine and other's children. Straighten and clean some more.
Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

Zinnias from the garden

2011-08-02T15:01:00.001-04:00

The best thing (or at least one of the best) in our garden right now is the zinnias!

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

I'm recommitting to the blog

2011-08-02T14:26:00.001-04:00

Don't know what I'm promising...a word a day, a phrase a week, a paragraph every other week?

Don't know what I'm promising, but I'm going to recommit.

Not for others. Just for me. An outlet. Expression. Thoughts out there.

Not all pretty. Not all complainy.

It is what it is. I'm returning to the blog.

Lord, Have mercy

2011-05-21T14:31:00.004-04:00

Tears have been falling, righteous anger is rising. Things in the neighborhood are very tough right now. Please pray and after you pray, please take steps to live your prayer.

For S.S, C.W., V.R., R.K.

Sermon post: Luke 24:13-25

2011-05-21T14:31:00.001-04:00

The Prayer this morning will be both visual and spoken, so as we pray, I would like to ask you to keep your eyes open.

The Lord is with you.

And also with you.

Let us pray.

I lay out this cloth to signify that this place, this space, is holy and set apart. This marks an altar to God. God, we come to your holy place, in awe of who you are…you are holy, you are mighty, you are full of glory, worthy of praise and honor. You are our provider, healer, comforter, peacemaker, and guide. We come to you this morning, full: full of images and words, full of heartbreak for the world around us. This week alone, we have been witness to so much pain, grief, and scorn. We can no longer turn a blind eye to the injustice and oppression in our world, the wars between nations and peoples, the hatred tearing your children apart. All we know to do, God, is to lay these things down at your altar. That’s all we know to do. And so we lay them down at your Holy feet….

Place Newspapers or papers on cloth that say : Osama Bin Laden, War, Poverty, Violence, Politics, Natural Disasters

Mother’s day flowers that look sort of like something that’d be on a head stone

Money, grenade, gun

We call on you to let your Kingdom come.

Papers placed on cloth saying; Peace, Light, Justice, Truth, comfort, Joy, Reconciliation, Kingdom of God on Earth.

Come and bring your peace. Come, bring your light. Come, bring your Justice. Come, bring your truth. Come, bring your comfort. Come, bring your joy. Come, make us reconciled to one another. Come, make us your people once more. May your Will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

We pray this in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Choir Amen.

Luke 24:13-35

(While taking everything off of the communion table table)

There are times in our lives when all we want to do…all we can do is get away. Toss out the junk. Get rid of the mess. Pack up our bags. Get out of town. Go. Find some place safe. Some place away. Some kind of clean slate. Some kind of get away. For if we don’t…if we don’t change up the pace, have a chance to breathe, count to ten, take a walk around the block, get in the car and drive…if we don’t escape or find respite or make room in our lives for something else…if we don’t get out, get up, or just get…if we don’t, we’ll be likely to blow.

(While placing the cloth on the table (the one that signified the altar earlier in the prayer))

More often than not, when we get to that point, whether we know it or not, our escape is really a search. A search for something Holy…something whole…something peaceful…something right…something comforting….something refreshing and renewing. Something bigger and greater than ourselves…something that can set us free.

(While placing the papers from the prayer onto the table)

We go searching for something that will set us free from the world around us…the stress that has built up… the rut we’ve gotten ourselves into…set us free from our frustrations at work….our family conflicts and drama…set us free from our pain…set us free from the suffering we see in the world, the injustice we hear about in the news and at the office. We go searching for something that will fill the void left by loss of hope, loss of faith, loss of life.

(Crouch under the table and pretend it is a tent, holding the top of the table up with my arms)

Some of us bunker down in our houses. We create a fort, a shelter for retreat…we batten down the hatches, tie our tent stakes down and hide out until we see the light of day.

(Get up and start walking away)

Others of us run away…we might go by ourselves or we might grab a friend and go…either way, we’re getting out of dodge.

(Stop moving and just talk for a minute)

That’s what the two were doing that day on the path from Jerusalem to Emmaus. They’d seen and had enough. Three days had passed and Jesus was dead. These two, with heads down, ready to throw in the towel, they decided to take a long walk to the next town to clear their heads. On the way, all they could talk about was what had happened…Rehashing the events that led up to the trial and crucifixion…going over every detail again and again.

It was on this journey that they encountered Jesus, the Risen Christ.

Current Events: war, economics, unemployment, violence, oppression, militarism, nationalism, killing, prejudice, selfishness, and greed mixed with what seems to be crisis after crisis in my own neighborhood: kids going to jail, power getting cut off, neighbors fighting, people hungry and scared and lonely…all this mess is just about to drive me mad. People have gone mad and they’re about to take me with them. It is almost too much to bear. I’m about ready to hide or run…one or the other. Aren’t you?

Jesus meets the two on the road, but they do not recognize them. They don’t see that it is him. Oblivious as they are, there is something left of them that is still pure. They extend a hospitable invitation and invite this man to walk with them. Along the way, they start talking. Sometimes conversation, honest and intimate communication, is some of the best healing medicine. They walk and talk and listen as Jesus opens up the faith stories and scripture to them.

(Start setting the dinner table: (plates, cups, forks, napkins, chalice, plate with bread))

Before long, they had come to the place they had set out for. And when they got there, they extended yet another hand of hospitality to the man who walked the road with them. When they got to Emmaus, they said, ‘Stay with us. It is almost night. You’ll be welcome here. You’ll be more comfortable here. Come and eat. Stay.” And Jesus Did.

(Act this part out)

When the dinner was ready, Jesus sat down at the table with them. Then, he took the bread and blessed it. Then he broke it. It was in the breaking of the bread that their eyes were finally opened and they recognized him. They remembered. They remembered…

(Place Cross and Candles back on table….)

They remembered and recognized him and he vanished from their sight.

Looking back on the journey, they recognized that it was Jesus who had been with them all along, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he was talking to us on the road, while he was opening the scriptures to us?”

In that very hour, they got up and walked back to where they came from, 7 miles back to Jerusalem in the dark…once they got there, they immediately found the other friends of Jesus and told them what had happened. “The Lord has risen indeed, and he has appeared to Simon! It is true! He is alive! We saw him! Here’s what happened. He broke the bread with us and opened our eyes. We remembered!”

Fellow Journeyors on the road, fellow pilgrims and searchers….Remember…Christ is Risen! He is Alive! It is true! The bread has been broken before us. Remember and be made new. Remember.

Now, run back…go quickly….and tell the others…show the others…demonstrate to others…He is Alive!

.

Things I love lately

2011-03-01T17:10:00.003-05:00

I don't spend much money, but I do shop. I go onto etsy.com and pretend that the world is mine for the taking. Everything I love, I place into my "favorites" file so I can go back and enjoy it any time I want to. I thought I'd share some of those favorites with you.

remember

2011-03-01T17:02:00.002-05:00

I am trying to write some material for the Hyaets Lenten Devotional Guide. One of the stories I want to include is one that I've already written in a blog long ago. So, in an effort to "cheat" I thought I'd go back and find the blog and do a little cut and paste job for the devo guide. Well, I couldn't find it. But, I did find a lot of other stuff: things I'd forgotten about, things I'd left behind.

I've been beating myself up lately about not blogging or journaling. I'm not doing nearly as much as I'd like to. I think about writing a lot, but when I actually sit down to do it, it takes up so much time and thought that I quit easily. I think writing a sermon once a week is a lot of work. For some reason, though, writing a blog is harder and more difficult for me.

I sure do like going back to read about things, though.

For those of you who want to remember along with me, the link to the old blog still functions: http://hyaets.org/blogs/index.php?blog=6

enjoy

Video worth Sharing

2011-02-05T20:55:00.000-05:00

Posting a few sermons

2011-01-27T21:06:00.004-05:00

I've decided to post a few sermons on the blog. I've been posting all of them in the notes on my facebook profile. I've enjoyed the creative process of writing and preaching these sermons. We're about to step into the Sermon on the Mount texts.

I haven't yet found myself wanting to be very creative with the Sermon on the Mount. What I really want to do is just read the text and talk about it and read it again and talk about it. I feel like the scripture speaks for itself and that I don't really need to or want to add much to it. I might feel differently after a couple of weeks of not-so-creative sermonizing. But for now, I'm happy just to listen to the words on the page come alive through the Holy Spirit.

If you're itching for a more "creative" sermon, there are some posted here on the blog and others on my facebook profile.

I hope you'll enjoy.

A Daddy's Dream sermon Matthew 1:18-25

2011-01-27T21:06:00.001-05:00

The Expectant Father: “The first major questions you and your partner will face after learning you are pregnant are Where are we going to have the baby?, Who is going to help us deliver it?, and How much is it all going to cost?...” How will we share the news with our parents? What names do I like? Will it be a boy or a girl? If it is a boy, will I name him after my grandfather? What will we do for a nursery?

These may be the first major questions for most expectant fathers, but not for Joseph. Joseph’s story is quite unique, unlike any other soon-to-be Daddy I know. Father Ron Rolheiser tells us that, “The background, in so far as we can reconstruct it, to the relationship between Joseph and Mary would have been this: The marriage custom at the time was that a young woman, essentially at the age of puberty, would be given to a man, usually several years her senior, in an arranged marriage by her parents. They would be betrothed, technically married, but would not yet live together or begin [intimate] relations for several more years. The Jewish law was especially strict as to the couple remaining celibate while in the betrothal period. During this time, the young woman would continue to live with her parents and the young man would go about setting up a house and an occupation so as to be able to support his wife once they began to live together.

Joseph and Mary were at this stage of their relationship, legally married but not yet living together, when Mary became pregnant. Joseph, knowing that the child was not his, had a dilemma: If he wasn't the father, who was? In order to save his own reputation, he could have demanded a public inquiry and, indeed, had Mary been accused of adultery, it might have meant her death. However, he decided to "divorce her quietly", that is, to avoid a public inquiry which would leave her in an awkward and vulnerable situation.”

And then, Joseph has a dream.

A dream, people. Not a paternity test, not a tangible messenger, not a letter…a dream. People have all sorts of crazy dreams. I used to have this recurring dream where I’d be in the meat aisle of the grocery store and my hands would start shrinking as I got closer to the packaged hamburger. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had that dream. But I haven’t declared never to set foot into the grocery store again and I don’t wring my hands every time I see packaged hamburger. The dream was a dream, it wasn’t real.

Dreams, in our culture, are often discounted. Most folks reject them as no more than strange brain waves processing the day before and preparing for the day ahead.

Joseph’s dream, it was something different. An angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in this dream and told him not to be afraid, to take Mary as his wife, and that the child inside of her was from the Holy Spirit. Our God chose to strangely speak to Joseph by whatever means necessary, a dream, for revelation.

And this is who our God is, the one who does strange things to reveal Godself to us…one who becomes human and invites a respectable man to receive even this supernatural baby and the child’s mother as his wife.

Upon receiving this revelation, he agreed to take Mary home as his wife and to father the child as his own. He spares Mary of embarrassment and shame and chooses to provide a place for this child to be born and raised.

Joseph takes in this baby that isn’t even his!

Some of us may have had a hard time coming to terms with the issues of parenthood. Having a baby, raising a child, is no easy task. It involves sleepless nights, lots of messes to clean up, diaper changing, potty training, trips to the doctor, bills from the doctor, disciplining, arguments, decisions on schooling, and more.

And Joseph, after he had that dream, agreed to take it all on. And this was no ordinary child, this was to be the a child conceived from the Holy Spirit, a boy named Jesus who will save his people from their sins, a baby named Emmanuel which means “God with us”. You or I, looking at Joseph’s situation might not choose the same way. In fact, some of us might think he was a little crazy. That dream did a number on him!

Who is this Joseph, that he could agree to such a huge responsibility?

This story in Matthew 1, shows us that Joseph is a devout believer, “deeply faithful to everything within his religious tradition, and yet at the same time open to a mystery beyond both his human and religious understanding.” (Rolheiser)

When God broke into Joseph’s life in a new and previously unimaginable way, Joseph welcomed him in. Joseph dealt with what seemed an impossible divine conception with obedience and hospitality. “In essence what Joseph teaches us is how to live in loving fidelity to all that we cling to humanly and religiously, even as we are open to a mystery of God that takes us beyond all the categories of our religious practice and imagination,” writes Rolheiser.

John Foley, writer for the Center of Liturgy at St. Louis University says, “Joseph was a good man. He already had a storehouse of trust in God’s love. He did not experience this storehouse as broken into, shattered or pulled to pieces by the dream. Instead the message fit right into the design of Joseph’s life with God. And so he followed.”

With risks and diapers and sleepless nights and all, he received the baby, Emmanuel, God with us, into his home and into his arms.

What a beautiful picture of extravagant hospitality, welcoming this stranger who in this case is the baby Christ Child. Author, Christine Pohl writes,

“Offering [hospitality] welcome is basic to Christian identity and practice. For

most of the church’s history, faithful believers located their acts of

hospitality in a vibrant tradition in which needy strangers, Jesus,

and angels were welcomed and through which people were

transformed. But for many people today, understandings of

hospitality have been reduced to Martha Stewart’s latest ideas for

entertaining family and friends and to the services of the hotel and

restaurant industry. As a result, even Christians miss the

significance of hospitality and view it as a mildly pleasant activity

if sufficient time is available….A quick review of Jesus’ life and ministry finds hospitality at the center. Jesus is both guest and host, dependent on others for

welcome and startlingly gracious in his welcome to outsiders,

seekers, and sinners. Meals were central to Jesus’ ministry and a

shared meal soon became the center point of Christian worship.

Hospitality is a lens through which we can read and understand

much of the gospel, and a practice by which we can welcome

Jesus himself.”

Joseph was one of the first to offer hospitality and welcome…. to Mary, even at the risk of his own reputation and standing in the community…And then to welcome the baby Jesus into his life and raise him as his own… that is faithful, that is obedience, that is a willingness to being open to a God who works in mysterious and out of the ordinary ways, that is trust in God, that is an amazing act of hospitality!

Hear this poem written by J. Janda, author of In Embrace:

Joseph

Who

Loved as his own

What

Was not his

Nor

Could ever be his

But

Whom he protected

And

Watched grow so

Contradiction

Could

Bloom in mystery

And scatter blood seed

To

Root in despair

And blossom white

As his staff of lilies

UCC Minister, Kate Huey gives us some helpful questions for reflection: “In what ways do we need to listen to the still-speaking God for our instructions, too, as Joseph did so long ago? In what ways do we need to strike out in new directions, to persist in opening our doors and our hearts rather than seek righteousness, in looking forward instead of back? What dreams do we have of something new and different and daunting? What hope longs to come to fruition?” (UCC) “ What does it mean to you, to our church, to the Body of Christ, that God reaches out to guide Joseph into such an act of radical hospitality, receiving a child not his and a woman pregnant not by him as his own?” (Methodist GBOD)

May we, like Joseph, let the Lord enter in. May we rejoice at the prospect of having God among us. And may we, like Joseph, recognize and accept the overwhelming and splendid responsibility of living in the presence of Emmanuel, God with us.

Amen

The Peace that Passes All Understanding sermon Isaiah 11:1-10

2011-01-27T21:05:00.001-05:00

Peace is so much. It is too much for a sermon. Can’t be explained. Mysterious, Divine.

Peace is small, like feelings of calm and moments of quiet.

Peace is strong, like beating swords into plowshares and choosing discussion rather than destruction.

Peace is big, like wholeness, Shalom.

Shalom…God’s peace….peaceable kingdom…looks like the wolf living with the lamp, the leopard lying down with the kid, the cow and bear grazing together, a baby reaching up to play into the mouth of a cobra, and a toddler having a tea party with a viper.

The peaceable kingdom that Isaiah describes is almost too abnormal for us to believe. In her reflections on the peaceable kingdom, minister and writer, Kate Huey writes,

“The promises are astounding and perhaps even unbelievable: "the order of nature" that we all learned about in science class, the violence of predators that we came to accept as natural, will be overturned. The rules of life will be changed, bent in the direction of gentleness and peace, not just any peace, but shalom. "Shalom," Walter Brueggemann says, "is creation time, when all God's creation eases up on hostility and destruction and finds another way of relating" (Peace). Things are going to go back to the way they were originally created, the way things were meant to be. "This poem is about the impossible possibility of the new creation!" We are told, he says, that "the old practice of the big ones eating the little ones is not the wave of the future….The rightly governed world will indeed be detoxified, no more a threat to the poor, the meek, the children, the lamb, the kid. The new world will indeed be safe for the vulnerable" (Isaiah 1-39, Westminster Bible Companion).”

God’s peace is so strange, abstract, and rare in our broken world that I’m not sure any of us would often recognize it when we saw it. The great bigness of it looks like the image given to us in scripture, but it also looks like the little glimmer of wholeness we experience every now and again. Even if we wanted to be peacemakers, would we know what to do and who or what to look for?

I believe there are several very important elements that characterize Divine Peace.

First, I’d like to suggest that God’s peace has something to do with a ruler. “and a little child shall lead them,” says Isaiah. Minister and writer, Safiyah Fosua says,

“…under God’s promised new ruler, springing from the lineage of Jesse, everyone and everything in creation could live in peace with one another, posing no threat to any. The necessary precondition for this kind of peace to emerge was a promised ruler who would act with justice and righteousness, judging with particular care to ensure the poor received justice and their oppressors would not stand. So characterized by righteousness and justice, as well as devotion to God would this ruler be, that the prophet says he wears righteousness as a belt around his waist, faithfulness as a belt around his loins.”

God’s promised ruler is characterized by the kind of righteousness that is radical, changing this world’s order into the divine order, molding the chaos we have become accustomed to into the peacefulness of the kingdom of God.

I remember hearing about a ruler like that, someone who turned things up on their heads and revealed God’s kingdom to the blind. “The righteousness Jesus offered,” says John Donahue, “the love he proclaimed – was too radical, too inclusive, too dangerous to survive without creating chaos for the status quo – then or now. “

Isaiah didn’t know of a man named Jesus. Jesus had not come into the world yet. But, Isaiah proclaimed a God of peace, even in a world of injustice. He foretold of a righteous leader who would not put up with wickedness and inequity.

As we seek to be peacemakers, we must look toward the righteous ruler the Prince of Peace. One who, as Donahue writes, “ is strong an d mighty in battle, all right – but the battle in which he is engaged is a battle over fear and the weapons he employes are the weapons of mass reconciliation; truth and justice, peace and love.”

Secondly, I’d like to suggest that living into God’s peace has a lot to do with repentance. Much of the book of Isaiah is about repentance: Isaiah Chapter one:

Hear, O heavens, and listen O earth; I reared children and brought them up, but they have rebelled against me…children who deal corruptly, who have forsaken the Lord, who have despised the Holy One of Israel… Why do you continue to rebel?...your country lies desolate, your cities are burned with fire… it is desolate, as overthrown by foreigners…Hear the word of the Lord…listen to the teaching of our God…I have had enough of burnt offerings of rams…I am weary of your festivals…Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your doings from before my eyes; cease to do evil, learn to do good; seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, plead for the widow…though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be like snow; through they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool. If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land, but if you refuse and rebel, you shall be devoured by the sword; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.

The Peaceable kingdom is a place of great transformation, a place where humble repentance is required. “Professor Mary Hinkle Shore writes that humility will prove stronger then the military might of any empire.” The kind of humble repentance that Isaiah describes begins with cleansing, removing evil from our doings. But, it does not stop there. Repentance also includes action: “learn to do good, seek justice, rescue the oppressed.” (Is 1)

“One is reminded of Jesus [here], who wasted no energy on the legions of the Roman Empire, but kept his attention on the sick, the marginalized, the broken, and exerted his power on their behalf.” (Shore) The Peaceable Kingdom of God does not allow for people to hurt or destroy one another. It is a state in which the “earth will be full of the knowledge of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea.” (Is 11:9) The Message version of this scripture puts it this way, “The whole earth will be brimming with knowing God-Alive, a living knowledge of God ocean-deep, ocean-wide.” The repentant remnant will be recovered and restored to the peaceable realm of God.

Lastly, and possibly most importantly, when we are looking for the peace of God, we must remember that it is a peace that passes all understanding. It is supernatural, beyond what we can imagine or fathom. Bigger than us. Greater than our powers. Belonging to God. Not of this world alone. “In his book, Peace, Walter Bruggemann encounters the promises [of peace] very personally: ‘Un heard of and unimaginable! All these images of unity sound to me so abnormal that they are not worth reflecting on. But then I look again and notice something else. The poet means to say that in the new age, these are the normal things. And the effect of the poem is to expose the real abnormalities of life, which we have taken for granted. We have lived with things abnormal so long that we have gotten used to hem and we think they are normal.’” (Huey)

To seek the peaceable kingdom is a daring adventure. One in which we hope for a “new normal” in the midst of old status quo. The adventure of following righteous ruler who begins his leadership with the miracle of a virgin born baby lying in a animal feeding trough, sleeping with cows and sheep, lit by the night light of a great star in the sky, and listening to the lullabies of angels overhead. An adventure that calls us to be cleansed in the way of Christ at the waters of the Jordan, to take up our cross and follow the one who took notice of the gave sight to the blind man and healing to the pleading woman. This Advent adventure of peace requires us to pray for our enemies and welcome the stranger into our midst. The Peaceable “new normal” sits us at the table with sinners, prostitutes, tax collectors, and criminals and gives us one piece of bread and one cup from which to eat and drink and share together.

The table is set, the ruler is reigning, may we seek to be cleansed and take action toward humble repentance so that we too may be restored to the Peaceable- God With Us- Kingdom. In the name of Emmanuel, Amen.

Help Wanted sermon Hebrews 12:1-12

2011-01-27T21:04:00.001-05:00

An organization recently posted an ad in the paper for the position of Senior Manager. The Ad read, Help Wanted:

Job Title: Senior Manager/Director

Job Description: This is an ideal opportunity for an experienced marketing professional, someone who can lead a very talented team. Responsibilities will include defining and executing a strategy for the team, day-to-day management, designing campaigns around customer needs, research, statistic analysis, creating published works including growth and flow charts, planning and executing, budget analysis, cost management research and implementation, creation of legal contracts, strategic development towards measurable goals, and ongoing campaign management. Prior experience with management and marketing is desirable. We are seeking a highly motivated, analytical, and intellectually curious individual who wants to join and learn from a world-class company. If you pride yourself on being both creative and analytical, an active problem solver and a team player, then this is an opportunity to launch a fast-paced and rewarding career in a cutting edge field. Requirements: BA/BS degree with a minimum 3.3 GPA, some substantive work or university experience involving numerical analysis, some prior experience with monitoring and controlling projects, familiarity with Microsoft Excel or other analytical tools, 7+ years of marketing experience, 2+ years of experience managing direct reports, creative and analytical mindset, strong command of written English.

And like us, our ad in the paper received a lot of responses. Calls came in what seemed like once every 5 minutes. “Hello, my name is such and such. I am calling about the ad in the paper. I have sent my resume and cover letter via email as instructed. I was calling to make sure you received it. Could you tell me a bit more about the position and the hiring process?” The Human Resources department met to go through the 200+ resumes that were sent. After much deliberation, and honestly- quite a bit of laughter and tales of applicants, the organization narrowed it down to a handful of candidates.

Each candidate was asked to come in for an interview. Each of the candidates had some great qualities. One was very charming, knew just what to say and when to say it. One had a good balance of confidence and humility, self motivated and a team player. Another was really smart, had gone to a great school and knew all sorts of interesting information. All of them had the skills listed in the advertisement. They were experienced at strategy and analysis. They knew how to create budgets, write contracts, form policies and procedures for obtaining goals. They even knew a thing or two about statistics and cost management. Happy with the selection of candidates, they sent a representative of HR team to speak the Boss about their findings.

“Boss, we’ve found several really good potential managers here. In fact, they are so good that we’re not sure which of them to call back for a second interview. Would you take a look at their profiles and our notes and tell us what you think?”

They handed the boss a tall stack of papers. The boss took a look at the papers. Then, the boss handed the papers back and said, “These are all very interesting candidates. I like this one here and here, but in all honesty I’m not sure that any of them have exactly what we need in this position. There seems to be something missing from each of them. What I’d like for you to do is start over and see if you can come up with a better candidate.

So, with their heads hanging, the HR team went back to the drawing boards and started at square one. This time, they posted the ad in several publications: a highly renowned magazine, several websites, the local paper, and a broader based paper. 100s of resumes came in. The HR team scoured them, in search of just the right person to be manager. After quite a bit of digging and a lot of late nights and coffee, the HR team finally narrowed down the search to one candidate.

This time, they all went to the boss to present the candidate.

“Boss, this one is the one. You name it, this one’s got it: strategic, planner, financial guru, logical and rational, the perfect person to monitor and control projects and manage day to day happenings.” They handed the paperwork to the boss and even went so far as to show the boss a promo video on the candidate.

“I like this one. You have worked hard and have been diligent in finding a candidate that meets the requirements described in the advertisement. I’ve been thinking long and hard about what was missing in the other candidates and your work here has been a good attempt at filling that void, but I have to say...there’s still something missing.”

The HR team was shocked! “Are you kidding? We’ve worked for weeks to find the perfect candidate to be manager. We came up with a great job description. We ran an ad in all the well known publications. We poured over resumes. We spent weeks searching and researching. We’ve come to you with THE best candidate. And you say there’s still something missing? Well, at this point, we’re at a loss. We have done all we can do until you give us some more guidance as to what you are looking for.”

The boss took a file from his desk and handed it to the team. “As I said, I’ve been doing some thinking and I think I’ve figured out what’s missing. I think we’ve been taking the wrong approach here. I want us to regroup a bit, maybe take a look at the job description and see if it can be tweaked to better fit the needs of our organization. I’ve done some research and I’ve put together a few ideas. In this file, you’ll find a more full description of what I’m looking for.”

The team took the file and, with grumbling, left the boss’ office. After a much needed breather, the team gathered in the conference room so that they could go over the boss’ file. The team leader tossed to file at the intern, “You open it!” And so, the intern opened the file. Inside was this note:

Dear team,

In our search for the perfect manager, we have come up short. I believe the perfect steward for our organization is out there. Maybe we need to take a moment to reconsider the requirements for such a person. Below, you will find my recommendations:

* What we’ve been looking for is a person who looks good, will represent our company well. I’d like for us to reconsider this as a priority. So what if the candidate wears birkenstocks or has dreads? In order to find the perfect candidate, we may have to let go of our preference for business suits and shiny loafers.
* We’ve been searching for someone who is financially responsible and can manage and balance a tight budget. I want us to think outside the box a bit on this. I’d like for us to begin looking for someone who knows what it is like to have nothing, maybe even someone who has been homeless, someone who isn’t too proud to rely on the resources of others. I’d like for us to consider a candidate who can carry nothing but the clothes on his back and the shoes on his feet, but still manage to live in abundance.
* We’ve been advertising for someone who is savvy in statistics, strategic planning, and cost management. Let’s choose to be out of the norm and find someone who thinks it is more important to give things away than it is to store things up for ourselves. Someone who wages against conventional odds, someone who is resourceful enough to create something out of nothing, who is able to take the smallest ordinary things and multiply them into enough to sustain thousands of people.
* We’ve been going at this wrong. We’ve been looking for someone who will climb the ladder to success and raise above all others. Let’s get someone in here who for the sake of others will lower himself and endure shame and even persecution.
* Who cares about flow carts and pie charts? I want someone who can draw a line of justice and compassion in the sand.
* Time Management is important. I want this person to schedule large chunks of time, 40 days even, for prayer and fasting.
* We said we wanted someone who could draw up legal contracts for our clients, my new suggestion is that we find someone who will choose persons over policies. Someone who will choose to be in relationship rather than sign a document saying so. I’m looking for someone who will inspire us to follow his lead without legal mandate.
* And we’ve talked about needing someone that is a good executioner, one who monitors and controls all aspects of our projects, including closing a project. I’d like us to reconsider this idea, to instead consider one who endured execution and has lived to tell about it. One, who might be able to inspire in us a sense of victory and joy in abundance. One, who will motivate us to be like him.

I truly feel like these are the requirements we should be looking for in our search- Someone who will be an example of creative and unique management, someone who will be so intriguing and inspiring such that we will all begin to follow in his ways and grow in our own management skills.

I believe in you. I know you’ll be led toward the right person,

Sincerely,

The Boss

The intern, after having read the whole of the document, looked at his superiors and said, “You goofs! You’ve had me read and sort and collate and answer phone call after phone call while all the time you’ve been searching for the wrong person! Had I known this is what you were looking for….well, let’s just put it this way, I know just who The Boss is talking about.”

And the intern went on to tell a story that begins with a baby in a manger, a story that goes on to tell about a man who fed the hungry and healed the sick, a man who gave notice to the needy and worked miracles for the grieving. This man gave living water to a thirsty woman and sight to a blind man. He embraced the children in his arms and welcomed the sinner into his presence. This homeless man wrote the book on how to be a good steward. He gave everything, including his life, out of Love for others.

The Human Resources team sat perplexed.

“I’m game! Let’s hire him!” one of them said.

“On the spot? Just like that?” another responded. “I’m not so sure about this. If he comes on as our lead manager, we’ll have to follow his orders and do what he asks us to do. And I’m not sure about all that. Birkenstocks? Dreads? Homelessness? Prayer? Giving stuff away? Feeding the hungry? I’m not sure I’m game for all that.”

“Yeah!” agreed another, “What if we end up losing money? What if because of his leadership, the organization goes down? I’ve worked hard to save up for retirement. I’m not going to dip into my savings, ‘cause of him!”

“There go my lattes, my mani pedis, and my monthly trip to Loft”

“Oh goodness! I hadn’t thought of that! I’ve got a lot of medical bills I gotta pay. I’m not hiring some guy that’ll threaten my insurance payments.”

“And I’m not so sure I want to be dealing with homeless folk anyway. They are always asking for something, always begging.”

“Just as soon as we get him in here, he’ll start asking us to help finance his plans. I’m not down with that! I’ve been saving for a vacation to Disney World and nobody’s messing with my Mickey!”

“I like flow charts! What’s wrong with flow charts! Straight, easy to predict lines. That’s what I’m here for. I’m not here to take chances like that”

“If this dude takes over as senior manager, he’ll be our supervisor and we’ll be done for! We’ll have to follow his leadership. We’ll have to do whatever he asks us to do. And, well, I don’t know ‘bout all that!”

“Yeah! He’s going to start asking us to volunteer to work extra hours for free!”

“And he’ll probably ask us to do some things we don’t want to do.”

“All I’ve gotta say is I’m not taking my work home. This is work, home is home. The two don’t mix.”

“Oh, and don’t forget all that stuff the intern told us about praying and fasting and junk.”

“Praying’s not the half of it. Did you hear him say something about paying a living wage to the mailroom staff and opening up jobs for the folks on the West side of town?”

“Yeah, and am I right or wrong when I say I heard him tell us something about eating fish and bread. I hate seafood! And we better not have to do away with the endless buffet down in the cafeteria.”

“This organization’s goin’ down in flames!”

The conversation went on. Some paced back and forth, some wrote feverishly in their notebooks, others put their heads on their desk. By the end of the day, only one person was left in the conference room. The others had gathered their things, packed them up, and left.

The intern gathered the boss’ papers and put them back in the file. He then went to the Boss’ office. “Boss,” he said, “We’ve got a problem. I found the senior manager you were looking for, but we’ve got several new positions to fill in the Human Resources department.

The next day, a new add went out,

Help Wanted

Organization: The Body of Christ

Job Position Title: Stewards of the Kingdom

Job Description: This is an ideal opportunity for one who seeks to follow our head manager. Responsibilities will include day-to-day management of God’s resources, using your gifts to meet others’ needs, study of scripture & application to life, relationship development, ongoing prayer, sacrifice, generosity, and obedience. Prior experience is not necessary. We are seeking any individuals who want to join and learn from Christ himself. This is an opportunity to live an inspiring and rewarding life in a cutting edge field. Requirements: following the way of Christ and willingness to serve.

I think you’re a shoe-in. You should apply. Amen.

Hangry and Waiting sermon on Lam 3:19-26

2011-01-27T21:02:00.001-05:00

When I moved into the Pastor’s study several weeks ago, the one remaining item from Sam’s time here was a copy of the November 2009 issue of Our State magazine. We don’t subscribe to this magazine at home, but I get to read it often because my in laws have a subscription. I love this magazine. The pictures are beautiful and the articles are interesting, and sense I’m a native to North Carolina, the magazine’s themes and topics are often like a trip down memory lane and a good visit back home.

This issue of the Our State magazine is dedicated to FOOD! Biscuits, barbecue, pecan pie, collards, fried okra, chicken and dumplings, country-style steak, banana pudding, fried chicken, country ham, figs, macaroni and cheese, cornbread, sweet potato pie, apple stack cake, oysters, seafood chowder...you hungry yet?...chess pie, pound cake, brunswick stew, new potatoes, grits and eggs, ribs...I’ll stop there before you all start drooling and run out the door for lunch.

At the back of the magazine, there is an article about artist, Shirley Willis. Shirley creates all the faux food displays at Tryon Palace in New Bern, NC. From the pictures and descriptions of the food, you would never be able to tell that it is not real. She’s made all sorts of appetizing, but artificial, creations: “small cream puffs held together by caramel and garnished with spun sugar, baked cinnamon apples, baked shrimp in scallop shells, roasted turkey, baked shad, and green beans garnished with bacon, a holiday dessert buffet of pastry swans swimming on a mirror lake surrounded by wafers, sugared fruit, tea cakes, and other 18th century delicacies.” Oops...sorry...there I go again getting everybody hungry.

But wait, maybe there’s no need for apologizing. You were hungry before I even started talking to you about food, weren’t you? If not, then why do we have the table set for you here? We come to this place and gather together to receive what we hunger for, the bread of life and the cup of the new covenant. God’s table has a place setting for us all and it is overflowing with abundance.

I remember talking with a friend one time about his family’s Thanksgiving traditions. He said that his mother used to have so much food and people at her Thanksgiving meal that she would begin cooking a week early. Her husband and sons would move out any unneccesary furniture and put it into a storage unit until after the festivities were over. Each room of the house was dedicated to a different food group. There was the meat room, the veggie room, the salads room, and the dessert room. The whole family, neighbors, friends, and guests would come over on Thanksgiving and spend hours and hours eating and enjoying one another’s company. Afterwards, everyone would pitch in to help clean up the big mess.

God’s table overflows with an abundance that this woman could not ever imagine. The pitcher at the Lord’s Table overflows with grace and mercy. The refills are free and they keep on coming. The plates are filled with nourishing peace and joy. Eat to your heart’s content. The table is made with gracious welcome and loving unity, so that all may be invited, received, and embraced. The chairs are built with rock solid truth and faith to keep you from falling and to bear any amount of burden or heavy weight. Everyone who gathers at the table is both the waiter and the guest, serving one another and sharing in fellowship. God’s table is beautiful, abundant, overflowing, welcoming, and nourishing, yet there is still hunger in this world.

On my way to work the other day, I met a man named Tim. Tim was standing at the top of the exit ramp from I77 getting onto Tyvola Rd. When my car got to the top of the ramp, I was stopped right beside Tim. I wanted to but couldn’t ignore him. I looked around the car to see what I had to give him and remembered the apple I had packed in my bag for a snack. I rolled down the window. “I have an apple,” I said. “I don’t want your apple,” said Tim. “I’m not being mean, I’m just being honest. I’m an alcoholic,” he said, “What I desire overrides an apple.” I looked at him, smiled, and started forward when the light turned green.

A single mom in my neighborhood has six children. She receives some money at the beginning of the month, but it does not cover all of her expenses. In talking with one of her daughters this past week, I came to realize that this mom often cries with worry about how she will buy groceries for her children.

This week, a college sophomore at University of Texas in Austin, opened fire, shot and killed himself on UT’s campus. Those who knew him were shocked, saying that he “was an excellent student who ‘wouldn't or couldn't hurt a fly.’ [His] high school principal, said teachers remembered him as being brilliant, meticulous and respectful.” http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100928/ap_on_re_us/us_ut_gunman

Gypsies from Romania, the impoverished from latin america, the Karen people from Myanmar, plus many others seek refuge from despair only to be trapped in exile from any semblance of home.

Father Pedro Arrupe, the Jesuits' superior general, said, "When people are hungry anywhere in the world, the Eucharist is incomplete." (at the International Eucharistic Congress, which was held here in the U.S., in Philadelphia, in 1976)

Read Scripture: The thought of this affliction and homelessness is wormwood and gall! My soul continually thinks of it and is bowed down within me with grief and mourning. (Lamenations 3:19 & 20)

My sister in law has a funny word for that frustrated and mad feeling you get when you’re hungry...you know the feeling that you’re going to rip off someone’s head if they talk to you any more about the decision of where or what to eat because all you want to do is eat and at this point it could be italian, mexican, thai, or cardboard for all you care, you’re just hungry! This state of mind, according to her, is called “Hangry”. When we’re hangry, any amount of waiting is torturous. Each minute we are being kept from the table is another minute of grief and pain.

The hungers of this world often physical hungers, but they are also often spiritual and emotional hungers. Hunger for companionship, hunger for acceptance, hunger for welcome, hunger for a place to call home. We are hungry...even more than that, we are Hangry, hungry and with righteous anger...bowed down with grief and mourning...and we are waiting for all of us, not just some, to be nourished.

On this World Communion Sunday, we cannot help but notice the empty seats at God’s table, seats that are waiting to be filled. There is a room at the table for Tim, if only we will welcome him. There is a space at the table for the single mom and her children, if only we will notice them. There is a seat for the college sophomore in Texas if only we would embrace him. There is a seat at the Lord’s Table for those who seek refuge, if only we will move our purses and bags that are taking up extra space and share with our neighbors.

Read Scripture: But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness, “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul that seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

We come to the table, filled with God’s bounty, we eat the bread and drink the cup and we wait, quietly with hope for God’s salvation to be made complete in us, in all of us.

The Lord is our portion, therefore we will hope in him. Amen.

Things I made recently

2011-01-27T20:55:00.002-05:00

Nothing.

Unless you count: a mess, a bed, breakfast, pile of laundry, ....

I hope to get motivated to make arts and crafts again soon. For now, I'm ok with making other things.

The Men in my life

2011-01-27T20:48:00.003-05:00

I recently celebrated a birthday. Facebook has added an interesting twist to birthdays: The Happy Birthday Wall Post. While I love the nice greetings and well wishes, I miss the more personal cards. Wait a minute! People stopped sending cards way before facebook! That is, except for a handful of folks like Kathryn, Betsy, and Grandaddy. (Thanks guys!)

Anyways, many of my facebook friends mentioned something like "I hope all those men in your life treat you well on your birthday." Greg was silly and mentioned something about wanting to know who the men in my life were and it all made for a good chuckle. But it all got me to thinking....Man! There are a lot of men in my life. There's Greg, John Tyson, Zeb, and even the dog is male- Matthew...there's Joe who lives with us and Jason next door and Jamar and Kevin who lives with Jason. And Jason's dog is a male- Jesse. And there's all the neighborhood guys...Felix, Xavier, Rhaji, Quavian, and others. And there are the (mostly) male ministers I plan camp with- Frank, Ben, David, Stuart, Steve, Joe, Michael. The list goes on...

But the "men in my life" didn't take me out after the community meal and treat me to Amalie's pastries and girl time. Nope. Joanie did that! And Ana, and Lorie, and Melody Ann, and Faith! Thanks, girls, for knowing just how to treat a girl right!

pool locker room horror story

2010-11-06T23:04:00.002-04:00

So, I have decided to take up swimming for exercise. I went to the swim store after the summer and bought real deal swim suit. Those things are not cheap, so I found the sale rack and got the largest suit they had on sale....one that's still a little too small for my body, but will work nonetheless. I'm not happy about wearing a too tight suit, but I figured for the savings from buying on sale, the embarrassment of the suit is worth it. I'm beginning to question that decision.

Each time I go to the pool, I quickly get in the water so that folks don't have to see my post pregnancy body and too tight suit. I swim my 30 minutes and quickly get back to the locker room to put clothes on again. On Monday night, I was walking past some middle school girls to my locker in the dressing room when I heard the girls make some sounds and saw shadows of gestures that let me know that these girls were not being nice towards me. I brushed it off, knowing that girls will be girls. I opened my locker and as I pulled out my bag, I heard one of the girls say to another girl who was 10feet away from her, but only 2 feet away from me, "When I get older, I want to stay in shape." (silence, silence, pause pause) I was stunned. I looked at the girl. She said, "...um, like my mom." (silence, pause) I couldn't keep my mouth closed, "Um, I hope you're not directing your comments at me, but in case you are, I just had a baby. And when you have a baby, it is really hard to stay get back in to shape." The girl made a defensive stance and face and said, "I wasn't talking about you." (yeah right!) I responded, "Oh I didn't think you were, but just in case you were, you should know that I just had a baby and it is hard to stay in shape when you get older. And how many babies did your mom have?" "Just one," she said. "Oh, yeah, well that makes sense. It is a lot easier after having just one baby. It gets harder with each one."

The girl fell silent. I let the room feel tense for a moment and then walked away to the restroom. I came back and the two girls were still silent. I took my stuff and walked out.

I can't get over that whole experience: the swimsuit, the body, the girl, the comments, my anger, the authority I took hold of and spoke from, the self doubt, the gall....The whole think haunts me a little. I wonder, can I go back to the pool at the same time or do I need to change my routine, do I have to buy a new swim suit, do I believe her attitude about me or my attitude about me, what is my attitude about me, what do I do with all this?

I've shared this interaction with a few people. I told Greg as soon as I got home what had happened. He said he felt like I handled the situation well. A friend told me that the girl was naive and immature. I keep telling the story over and over in my head, but I have yet to hear the response I'm looking for. I'm not even sure what that response is, really, but I know it goes something like this: Did I do the right thing? Did I say the right thing? Will swimming make a difference? Will my children know better how to speak? Will I ever be in shape? Am I really going to let a middle school girl bully me into self doubt? Will I always be embarrassed wearing this stupid swim suit?

The horror in the pool locker room happened on Monday night, but the haunting questions continue on. Thanks a lot, middle school girl.

Luke 16

2010-09-08T12:09:00.003-04:00

For the next several months, I will be serving as the interim pastor at South Park Christian Church. Thus, the next several blogs will be dealing with sermons and lectionary text...in addition to anything else I feel like posting.

My FIRST sermon at SPCC is on Luke 16:1-13. Thanks to the lectionary, I've been given one of the most puzzling and difficult parables to work with. How to introduce myself, preach the text, and speak a good word of encouragement....that's the challenge!

Here , here, and here(sort of), are some of the things I've been reading to help me along the way. Read on and send me your suggestions if you've got them.

Summer Reads

2010-07-31T08:04:00.003-04:00

The summer is just about the only time I ever take the time to read. It is almost as if June rolls around and something in my head alarms a curiosity in me that drives me straight to the library to borrow all sorts of books. So far this summer, I have gotten books on perfect porch design, waterfalls in North Carolina, preschool activities, outdoor kid's activities, and several novels.

In the early summer, I got a few novels by Anita Diamant and Barbara Kingsolver. The timing was bad, though, so I never got to read them. I also got a collection of devotional writings by Sue Monk Kidd that I thumbed through. I chose these books because of the authors' previous writings. I loved reading The Red Tent and Good Harbor by Diamant, but couldn't quite get into The Last Days of Dogtown. Prodigal Summer and The Bean Trees were good reads by Kingsolver, but I didn't have the time to dive into The Lacuna (which I hear is really good) and Animal Dreams.

Midsummer, I have more time. Due to the arrival of a brand new baby, I have time every two hours to read. Last year, I read a novel by Katherine Center titled Everything is Beautiful and loved it! So, I tried to give Center a chance again and read Get Lucky. I enjoyed this quick and easy read and was amazed at how Center is able to describe something so perfectly that I end up thinking to myself, "Ah, yes, That's it!" Sometime in the past year, I had a chance to read Kristin Hannah's books, Firefly Lane and Summer Island. I enjoyed both books, so I decided to pick up Winter Garden and give it a try. Again, Hannah amazed me with her capabilities of telling a good story. This book made me cry several times, and I'm not really a crier. It is not a cheesy happy beach read, but it is very good.

I've reserved another Katherine Center book in the hopes of reading it before the summer ends. I'm also hoping to read Eat, Pray, Love in time to see the movie.

So far, my summer in books has been a good one. If you haven't had a chance to do some good juicy reading lately, I recommend these books to get you started again!

baby registry

2010-05-13T20:26:00.002-04:00

I promise. It all makes sense to me!

If you take a look at my amazon.com baby registry, you might say something like "What in the world is she registering for that for? It has nothing to do with a baby." But wait! I promise it does!

You see, I've registered for a couple out of the ordinary things that when put into context make total and complete sense.

There's a couch cover....have you seen our nasty couch lately. It is beyond the point of no return with stains and dirt that won't come out. If a baby's going to sit or lay on that thing, it has got to be covered! And what good does a new cover do if you don't have new pillows to match?

Then there's a bike and helmet....you see, we received a two kid bike chariot thing to hook up to Greg's bike. It is totally cool because he can take trips with the kids hitched to the back. But the real hitch is that I don't own a bike. Mine got stolen a couple of years ago by a neighbor. So how will we go on these family bike trips (and lose extra post-maternity weight) without a second bike.

Then there's a beach umbrella....We've been spending a lot of time outside in the garden and yard playing. Have you seen my skin? It is as pale as the moon. Can you imagine my baby's skin unprotected? Exactly!

Vacuum...same explanation as the couch cover!

Potting table....this will help to ward off any postpartum depression, I promise!

I think the other stuff is pretty self explanatory: diapers, baby wash, nursing stuff, clothes hamper, etc.

See, I told you it'd all make sense! My pregnancy brain is in full function, I promise!

Speaking of Raynard...

2010-05-13T20:21:00.005-04:00

As many of you know, we're expecting a second baby in mid June. It'll be a second boy. We've searched high and low for cool family names for this boy. We had a perfect name for a girl, but we'll just have to store it away for another time or maybe just another pet. Anyways, we were looking through some online genealogy and found several not so good possibilities. (Gerald Jarrell is one of them)

I kept digging and digging until I found something quite funny.

Greg's great great great great grandfather shares a name with a beloved neighbor, Reynard. Spelled differently than our neighbor, but pronounced the same way, this name is an interesting on, but not one the top of our list.

For now, we've got a name in the running. We use it around the house so as to get used to it and figure out if we have settled in on the right one. When the baby is born, we'll reveal the name to you.

As for now, you can call the baby "duece" or "baby #2" or "baby Jarrell" or to be funny, "Baby Reynard" will do.

too many ideas

2010-03-07T15:01:00.003-05:00

Everyone around me boasts/gripes because of how busy they are. I guess I'm busy too, but what I'd rather gripe about is the amount of ideas I have. Ideas that are fun and exciting but that don't come true. They get stuck in un-motivation or fear. They get pushed aside in the midst of things to do. They get crushed by rejection and non-recognition. These ideas come up and when left alone for to long, they gather together and become a list. A grocery list, of sorts, that calls out from the back of my mind, "Don't forget us next time! Remember to include us, please!"

These neglected ideas begin to take a life of their own, they remind me of what we once could have been together. They tell me over and over again that if I were only smart enough or motivated enough or fast enough or organized enough that they'd have life and thus my life would be better. What really happens, though, is that they begin to rule my life. These little lost ideas, things that would be cool to do/be/have if I had the time/money/interest/encouragement of others call out to me with wishful pleading, reminding me that I didn't do/be/have and I don't have time/money, interest, encouragement of others.

And so, with the little beckonings of these puny ideas, my outlook on life becomes more gloomy than sunny.

I've found, recently, that it temporarily helps to write a list of these ideas down. Simply putting them on paper and letting them live in print rather than in the back of my head helps me to release them. Now, my mind isn't listing them all the time and reminding me not to forget them. They are already listed and on paper and the great Idea Queen is taking good care of them until I can, when I choose to, take a look and possibly be motivated to do/be/have ____________ again.

Here are the most recent ideas:

Things that are "on hold"

Writing a book ( I have two in mind)

being a doula

crafting

blogging

decorating the house in a fun and cool way

front yard landscaping instead of front yard mud hole

comfy/confident wardrobe

flowers growing outside

job stability

Fix it things:

fridge seal

oven seal

back porch clean and paint

Washer Dryer upstairs

squeaky front door

unorganized pantry

dirty cars

unorganized basement

To do that seems to not be able to get done:

Move computer files from one hard drive to another

Turn in computer and phone to right owner

keep floors and couches clean

make curtains for kitchen (mine and xstine)

Hair cuts

eating right and with self control

laundry (in orderly and quick fashion)

Ideas that have no where to go:

cottage industry

partnerships with folks (BRTC, CIS, ETC)

folk school

Go back to school

if

2010-02-27T22:48:00.000-05:00

If "each new day is a blank page in the diary of my life" as I read today on someone else's blog, then here are the common words you'd find in the past few chapters:

Pregnant, Matthew, birthday, job change, early mornings, Mama, job disappointment, grieving, chocolate, belly band, not twins, cleaning the house, son, nearly 2 years old, milk, Hyaets, sweep, Joanie pregnant, anxiety, nightmare, childcare needs, summer, laundry, neighbors, lists, yard and garden, chicken coop, sweep, naps, grandmothers, son sick with fever, no crafting, my stuffy nose, junk food, can't breathe, Girls' Night, did I mention sweep?, If I hear "only 5 months? But you're so big!" again...., .

That about sums it up.

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging. I have no good excuses. I also have no promises of getting better any time soon.

Things I wish were on my "pages of life" in the near future:
Breath easily, prolific garden, flowers, good hair, crafting with purpose, good/new/decent paying job, SHARE day a success, 10 kids on Spring break trip, at least 4 families on beach trip, Hyaets donors send lots of money, no-stress summer, easy delivery, two happy healthy boys.....

warming up

2010-01-08T21:10:00.000-05:00

Raynard comes in the door with the phone up to his ear. "Who are you talking to?," I ask. "No one," he says, "I'm just trying to keep at least one of my ears warm when I'm outside in the cold."

hahahahahahaha

photos from the neighborhood

2009-11-17T14:40:00.000-05:00

Oh the many places you cannot go!

Custom made family tree assemblage/painting

2009-11-09T16:30:00.001-05:00

Send me a request and I'll make with your family's information

Dirty Footprints

2009-11-09T15:54:00.000-05:00

I am totally inspired by this artist's work. Here's a video to inspire you!

Donate online to Hyaets

2009-11-04T13:07:00.000-05:00

https://npo.networkforgood.org/Donate/Donate.aspx?npoSubscriptionId=1002111

my prayer today

2009-11-02T11:27:00.001-05:00

Glorious God of power and majesty, you bow down to hear our every sigh;

deliver us from arrogance and empty vanities. Prevent us from trying to

raise ourselves by lowering the position of others. Cast down our pride

that we may grow in humility. Take away the barriers of self-defense;

grant us the firm security that comes from trust in you and is built with

neighborly cooperation and mutual respect. Lead us in the lowly steps of

Jesus until we attain the end of a pure joy and eternal victory, through

Christ, our servant and sovereign. Amen.†

Reprinted by permission of the publisher from Touch Holiness, ed. Ruth C. Duck and

Maren C. Tirabassi. Copyright © 1990 The Pilgrim Press.

mountains in the fall

2009-10-27T13:03:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the rant

2009-10-26T16:13:00.000-04:00

Today was no where near good. It started off just fine. We got up, went walking, ate breakfast, had prayers and then John Tyson and I went to the Library to pick up some books and cds. I got home and opened the door to a loud television and a teenager laying on the couch. First of all, we don't watch TV hardly ever and especially not in the middle of the day. The shear noise of the TV threw me off. Secondly, why in the world is this teenager in the living room instead of school?

Good question. I asked it and got no answer. No answer to many of the questions I asked.

I cut the TV off.

Then, I became a monster. I started saying mean things and breathing fire. I was so frustrated with the ungrateful lazy mess making disobedient teenager.

A neighbor came by and then another one. At the arrival of the second neighbor, the teenager got up and started whispering about somebody who is very very rich that he's going to live with and how life will all be better. (at least that's what I heard, anyways)

What!? I've been housing you and trying my best to care for you for 7 weeks now. I've been buying your favorite and expensive junk foods. I've been washing your clothes and cleaning up your messes. I tried giving you incentives like allowance and later curfew. We sat down and talked. I took you on family trip. And you have been giving me the silent treatment, coming in late, making messes everywhere, not coming home at all, going places with out telling us where you're going, talking back, eating everything in sight and now all of a sudden you're going to go live with some rich people where life will be better? Give me a break!

That was the last straw. I kicked the kid out. (for a little while) I told him to get out of the house: go find a job, go hang out, go walk around....do whatever you want to but get out of here! (MONSTER!)

He wouldn't budge, so I made him get out with the force of my body weight. Shoeless, he stood on the back porch. I went and got shoes and a jacket and handed it to him.

Here's the kicker....He then said to me "You're not smarter than me" and then proceeded to unlock the door with the house key that he STOLE FROM US!

Then he left. 5 minutes he came back with a friend and started doing laundry. Never you mind that my laundry was in the waiting line to be washed. He jumped in line and did his own even though I showed him mine was waiting. He talked to his friend, took a shower, and left.

While he was taking a shower, Joanie called Jamar and asked him to go into the bathroom and search the clothes for the Stolen key. No key to be found. He must have hidden it somewhere.

Without any end in sight, no resources for therapy or counseling, and little to no energy left, Greg and I are wondering if we can handle this for much longer. We are already housing one other teenager who is doing better, going to school, staying loyal to his job. Can we really do both?

The answer for me right now is NO! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

Let the guilt wave commence.

Christmas wish list

2009-10-22T10:51:00.000-04:00

I'm going to start my list now and add to it when I think of other things:

Bike that I can ride with ease
Bike attachment so John Tyson can ride with me and/or Greg
Anything from my favorites list over at etsy
Gift certificates to craft stores
Shoes size 10 (brown, black, red, and tennis shoes, I really like Clarks brand right now)
Anything homemade: mixed cd, goodies, accessories, art, etc.
Art classes
Art retreat
Free babysitting

For John Tyson
Stuff to climb on
An easel
clothes (size 2T)
coat
hat and gloves
shoes
music cd's

Keri Smith

2009-10-19T16:47:00.000-04:00

Instead of being diligent about writing my own blog entries, I've been reading a lot of other people's blog entries lately. (sorry 'bout that) Anyways, I came across Keri Smith and just had to share her with others. I've already printed out the Artist's Survival Kit and the 100things to use for myself.

I also just have to share this piece written by Keri Smith. I'm searching for some ways to be refreshed. Maybe these things will be just the ticket!

1. Document what you are responding to regularly. *journal/sketchbook, blog, listmaking, photo journal, bulletin board collage, internet bookmarks, Allow yourself to go deeper into an idea. Find influence outside of your field. Consider that you are ALWAYS working for yourself.

2. Start to challenge yourself on a regular basis to try new things, (not just for work. *i.e. new foods, colors, processes, classes, travel, become a guerilla artist, etc. Your hobbies are your greatest source of play.)

3. Go back to your childhood, (the formative years). What were your favourite things to do? In this lies some clues as to where you want to focus your energy as an adult. What makes you burst with energy?

4. Do something that is not for money. For your own enjoyment. (Your greatest work will come from here!)
*examples…
-newsletter
-zine
-website
-x-mas card
-product concept
-toys
-gifts for friends.
Design for yourself. *See handout on guerilla art.

5. Use sources that are based on your daily life. Your life IS your art. What are the things that are most important in your current life?

6. Become a collector. Collecting allows us to look at one thing in a contemplative & mindful way. Giving you new insights and perceptions. Examples: Maria Kalman -purse contents, Steven Guarnaccia -shoe sole
rubbings, Ian Phillips & Grant Heaps -Lost & Found pet posters, Mark Ulriksen (former art director) -misspellings of his name, Charles & Rae Eames -toys from other countries

7. "Pay no attention to the man behind that curtain." Ignore what other people are doing. It has no bearing on your existence or vision of the world. The times we feel the most discouraged are usually due to the fact we are comparing ourselves to others. Most times reading awards annuals, and industry mags only serves to make us feel inadequate. Try cutting it out entirely. Designer Bruce Mau recommends not entering awards competitions. His reasoning, “Just don’t do it, it’s not good for you.”

8. Don't promote to target your audience. By all means send things out into the world, but don't think in terms of "promoting to get work". Send stuff out because -you're proud of it, -you want to share something with the world, -it's fun to get mail, -to have good karma, -you want to spread your germs, -you like licking stamps. Try sending a postcard of something you made for fun, (i.e. directions on how to make a finger puppet). When thinking of subject matter for promotions look to your current life. If you deal with topics that are important to you a piece will have much more life to it.

9. Take a lighthearted approach (Don't take yourself too seriously). If you feel stuck, you can always reinvent yourself, (re: try something else).

10. Study other artists or creators who followed their own vision. Research.

Whatever happened to me

2009-10-09T22:15:00.000-04:00

"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903
in Letters to a young poet

Live the questions, Rilke? Exactly how do you suppose I do that? There are too many questions to live!

I want to be all mystical and spiritual and live the questions, but I just don't know how.

Questions within me right now:

make art or clean house

veg out or do something productive

visit with another neighbor or close the door

check email or fast from the internet

spend time reflecting or wash the clothes

read a book or get 8 hours sleep

follow my dreams or make money to support the family

work a job or enjoy a job

work this job or work that job

juggle these things or let them get dropped

make something pretty or save some money

do something for myself or spend quality time with family

Walk 3 miles or get some rest

fuss at the rebellious teenager or forget about it

give up or keep fighting

Let things slide or dig in

hope for something better or live with what I've got

it goes on and on and on....

Do I take a shower even though I know the baby is awake and wants to get out of the crib?

Do I pick up the teenager's stuff AGAIN or let it just sit there?

Do I write the sermon or clock in some time or do I make something pretty that is not at all productive?

Do I wash the dishes again or let them sit in the sink?

When do I get some time for me?

What do I do with the time I have for me?

Who can I talk to?

Where are the pair of jeans that fit?

When and where should I get my hair cut?

What does it mean to choose life?

How do I work itunes?

Should I cancel my etsy site?

Can I get away with not talking for a while?

Do I have the energy to welcome 15 kids for dinner again tonight?

What am I going to cook for the 15 kids?

Why didn't I think to cook for the kids before it was already dinner time?

When will I have a chance to actually sit at the table during supper?

and on and on and on.....

Choose life

2009-10-08T21:44:00.000-04:00

Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him....Deut 30: 19-20a

Little Bird

2009-10-03T16:16:00.000-04:00

There's just something about little birds that make me happy. When John Tyson was little, we called him Little Bird. Sometimes I still do. Here are some of my favorite little birds on etsy.

Made by Studio Lyon

made by Token Emotion

Made by ZephyrWoods

Searching for life

2009-10-01T14:20:00.000-04:00

I've been doing a little searching, a little reading, a little thinking.

Looked up "life" in my concordance.

Here's what I've found so far:

Gen 2- Tree of....
Breath of....

Ex. 21- Serve for......

Deut 12: "You have not come into the rest and the possession that the Lord your God is giving you."
The blood is the......

I'll keep reading and continue to write my findings.

melt down

2009-09-28T16:27:00.000-04:00

Today's list of activities was going pretty well. John Tyson and I spent some time this morning dancing. We also played outside, swung under the tree, went grape picking, and ate lunch. Then, I left for work. Anna kindly agreed to watch John Tyson for the one hour window of time that I was gone and Greg was not home yet.

This morning, Greg took some of the Hyaets boys to ride on the Virginia Creeper Trail. He took what he thought would be an "easy" group. Long story short, he ended up having to walk a very long way down the trail due to a broken bike chain and at the beginning and end of the trip, he had to deal with disciplinary issues within the group. All this adds up to Greg coming home three hours later than expected.

After I talked to Greg, I called Anna. Her newest plan is to move out of our house and into her new duplex TODAY...as in RIGHT NOW when she has John Tyson with her. I trust Anna to do everything in her power to take care of John Tyson, but at the same time I'm imagining John Tyson being rolled on a wagon atop luggage and boxes from our house to the new duplex. Needless to say, this image does not excite me.

I called Jason and Joanie and told them about the predicament. They have agreed to take care of John Tyson. Everything will be fine. The boy will be safe and alive and happy when I get home. BUT....

I'm still having a melt down. I feel like I'm being neglectful, like I need to go home and get John Tyson. I feel like I shouldn't be at work. I feel like I can't be at work without anything crazy going on. I feel like John Tyson isn't being taken care of in the way that I would take care of him and I feel guilty for disliking that fact. I feel angry that I can't go to work without feeling neglectful. I feel like I don't want to be a stay at home mom with no outside work or world, but I also can't imagine how to balance the two.

Here's what I wrote in my journal after I got off the phone (crying) with Joanie:

I want to be a good mom.
I ant to be an artist.
I want to be a dreamer.
I want to take care of people.
I want to pursue my dreams.
I want to create beautiful things.
I want to inspire joy.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be taken care of.
I want to be honest.
I want to be expressive.
I want to be released from responsibility.
I want to be responsible.
I want to be admired.
I want to be honored.
I want to live fully.
I want to breathe deeply.
Are these things possible?
Are they possible all at once?

one less bowl....

2009-09-22T19:36:00.001-04:00

There's cute little Xavier eating his spaghetti on the front porch.

Xavier and Dana having a nice conversation.

Xavier gets up from his seat....

Uh OH!

Spaghetti on the floor

Anna to the rescue!

One less Blue Willow Bowl in my collection.

Lord, Why did you tell me to love?

2009-09-22T18:34:00.000-04:00

Lord, why did you tell me to love all men, my brothers?
I have tried, but I come back to you, frightened....

Lord, I was so peaceful at home, I was so comfortably settled,
it was well-furnished, and I felt cozy.
I was alone, I was at peace,
Sheltered from the wind and the rain, kept clean.
I would have stayed unsullied in my ivory tower.

But, Lord, you have discovered a breach in my defenses,
You have forced me to open my door.
Like a squall of rain in the face, the cry of men has awakened me;
Like a gale of wind a friendship has shaken me,
Stealing in like a shaft of light, your grace has disturbed me.
Rashly enough, I left my door ajar. Now, Lord, I am lost!
Outside, men were lying in wait for me.
I did not know whey were so near; in this house, in this street, in this officce; my neighbor, my colleague, my friend.
As soon as I started to open the door I saw them, with outstretched hands, anxious eyes, longing hearts, like beggars on church steps.

The first came in, Lord. There was, after all, a bit of space in my heart.
I welcomed them. I would have cared for them and fondled them, my very own little lambs, my little flock.
You would have been pleased, Lord; I would have served and honored you in a proper, respectable way.
Until then, it was sensible...
But the next ones, Lord, the other men---I had not seen them;
they were hidden behind the first ones.
There were more of them. They were wretched; they overpowered me without warning.
We had to crowd in, I had to find room for them.

Now they have come from all over in successive waves, pushing one another, jostling one another.
They ahve come from all over town, from all parts of the country, of the world; numberless, inexhaustible.
They don't come alone any longer but in groups, bound one to another.
They come bending under heavy loads; loads of injustice, of resentment and hate, of suffering and sin...
They drag the world behind them, with everything rusted, twisted, badly adjusted.

Lord, they hurt me! They are in the way, they are all over.
They are too hungry; they are consuming me!
I can't do anything anymore; as they come in, they push the door, and the door opens wider....
Ah, Lord! My door is wide open!
I can't stand it any more! It's too much! It's no kind of a life!
What about my job?
My family?
My peace?
My liberty?
And me?
Ah, Lord! I have lost everything; I don't belong to myself any lnger;
There's no more room for me at home.

Don't worry, God says, you have gained all,
While men came in to you,
I, your Father,
I, your God,
Slipped in among them.

~ Michel Quoist
Prayers

Flowers from the Seed Bomb

2009-09-21T12:35:00.001-04:00

I noticed, a couple of days ago, these bright coral colored flowers in the yard next door. I wondered where they came from. Then I remembered....the seed bombs! At the beginning of spring, Anna supplied me with some bombs and I threw them all over the place. These flowers are the result. So far, I've spotted five of them! Glad they are here. Beautiful.

Waken in Me a Sense of Joy

2009-09-21T10:45:00.000-04:00

O extravagant God,
in this ripening, red-tinged autumn,
waken in me a sense of joy
in just being alive,
joy for nothing in general
except everything in particular;
joy in sun and rain
mating with earth to birth a harvest;
joy in soft light
through shyly disrobing trees;
joy in the acolyte moon
setting halos around processing cluds;
joy in the beating of a thousand wings
mysteriously knowing which way is warm;
joy in wagging tails and kids' smiles
and in this spunky old city;
joy in the tast of bread and wine,
the smell of dawn,
a touch,
a song,
a presence;
joy in having what I cannot live without--
other people to hold and cry and laugh with;
joy in love,
in you;
and that all at first and last
is grace.

~ Ted Loder
Guerrillas of Grace
Prayers for the Battle

in the back yard

2009-09-19T16:24:00.001-04:00

I fell in love with "purple heart" (Sucretia) when I worked at Swift Creek Berry Farm and Greenhouse!

Yellow heart
I believe the ants love the fig as much as we do.

Things I want to do

2009-09-19T16:11:00.000-04:00

I want to make something that is useful
I want to make something that is beautiful
I want to read something inspiring
Say something inspiring
Figure out how to use my camera well
do something interesting
make new friends
clean my room (really, I just want it to be clean)
be more healthy
be happy with my body
be a good momma
write something that is worth publishing
follow up on lots of dreams

My trip to Todd

2009-09-14T14:39:00.000-04:00

The Jarrell/Harris men enjoying some picking time.

Standing on top of Turner Mountain looking out

John Tyson running in the field..

The view from Turner Mountain

Grandaddy playing his guitar

finally realizing

2009-08-25T13:43:00.000-04:00

If any of my friends actually read this blog, they will nod their heads in agreement when I say I am quite possibly the most experienced relationship mess maker there is.

I like to make messes with paint and food and clothes that I hate to put away, but the messes I tend to make with relationships are not so fun. In fact, they are painful.

My best friend when I was in elementary school and early middle school was Marcia Lynn. She and I could be silly together and played pretty well together. We stayed over at each others' houses and went on vacation together. In the summer of 6th grade, something happened. We got in some sort of argument and that was it. We were no longer friends. It was as if our friendship had just vanished into thin air and nothing was left.

I regret losing Marcia Lynn as a friend. I've even gone so far as to send her notes saying "Happy Birthday" and such, 17+ years too late.

I don't know what it is with me and relationships. I want to be good at it. I want people to like me and I want to be known. I want to know other people too. I want to be connected and have warm fuzzy friendship groups like this , but what ends up happening is something more like this .

Big mistake number one: Try to make meaningful relationships
To tell you the truth, I'm pretty sick of it all. As I've mentioned before, we're pretty isolated in this Hyaets world of ours. If I had to choose from those who are around me in my daily life, I'd have my pick of prostitutes, crack addicts, xcons, and children to be friends with. Don't get me wrong here, these people are my friends, but they are friends in a different sense of the word. They are folks I can tell jokes with and eat dinner with, but they are not folks who I can reveal my whole self to.

(I'm sensing at this exact moment some sort of sermon within myself asking the question, "Why not, Helms? Why can't these people be your deepest friends? What is within you that is holding them back from being who and what you need?" But, I'm not going to listen to that voice inside of me right now because I'm needing to rant and not to be convicted.)

Big Mess number two: The "talk"
And what is it with friends anyway? How come we can not (as friends) have "the talk)? The one that helps us to figure out just what kind of relationship we are in. Wouldn't you like to know if the one you are friends with has decided they are not going to call as much any more or get together as much any more because they've moved on from the friendship? Wouldn't it be nice to know that you are so loved and cared for that your friend can't bear to see you go for a week of vacation? Man, I sure would like to know when I'm being stupid and thinking that our friendship is still close when the other thinks we were really good friends a couple of years ago. And I wouldn't mind knowing what I could do better to make the friendship better. And I'd love to be able to tell someone how they could be a better friend to me.

I guess those conversations are usually off limits because then we'd have to actually acknowledge that friendships exist, that we depend on someone else for something, and that we have to actively work at being a friend.

Big Mess number three: Hope for mutuality
Have you ever wondered about any of your friends what would happened if you just stopped calling? There have been times in my long list of friendship mess ups that I have wondered, "If I stopped calling this person all the time, would they ever call me? Would they ever notice?" The answer is no. I've tried it. They won't call you. They won't mention they ever noticed you hadn't called. And the friendship will be at a distance at best.

Big Mistake number 4: Try to clean up your mess
There have been several times when I've tried to go to my friend and say, "Look I see this is happening between us. (discomfort, distance, anxiety)" We have a discussion about it and I end up feeling like it wasn't a "we or us" thing after all. It was just me. Either I was the only one feeling this way or I was the one feeling this way and so was the other person but the other person was feeling this way because of something I've done or felt or perceived that has caused us to be this way. And by trying to address the situation and talk about it, I've just made things worse. Because now these negative feelings are out in the open and they can be brought back up again and again.

Big mess number 5: Once you mess up, you and your friends will think you're gonna mess up again, and so you will.
Here's how it works. I mess up with friend one. Friend two sees that I messed up with friend one and even consoles me while all that is happening. Then when something unrelated but somewhat similar happens in friend two's life, they remember what happened with me and friend one, and the problem is escalated because now not only have I messed up with 1, but I've messed up with 1+2=3. And so on and so forth.

Big mess number 6: Blame it on your circumstances
Maybe the lack of friends and feelings of isolation are not a result of Hyaets, but instead are a result of being a relationship mess maker. I should stop trying to blame it on theology, practice, neighors, area in town. I should go ahead and just come to realize that these are not the problems. I am.

Ok, so I've written enough ranting for now. I've written this rant partly out of the truthfulness of my own feelings, but also somewhat jokingly so as to be entertaining. Please read accordingly. Thank you.

all I wanna do....

2009-08-23T18:06:00.000-04:00

Right now, I want to snap and make my house come a live with inspiration. I want the house to be beautiful and to smell good and I want sounds of birds singing. I want this to happen in a way that is ethical, economical, and ecological. And that's where the dream gets stopped.

I want to be able to spend time, money, resources on beauty and inspiration so that then I could be daily inspired by the things around me. Inspired to write, paint, take pictures, sing, stretch, exercise.

But to make a home look nice, one must have money. To make a home visually inspiring, one must use time and stuff and one must spend time making things look "pretty" and take time away from caring for other people and earning money to support the household.

So, I look at fabulous blogs like etsy, and Decor8 and Kelly Rae Roberts and I dream of a nice place with nice people and inspiration so that I would want to write and dream some more, but....

instead I pick up other people's messes constantly, I check my email hoping for someone to write, I run errands, I chase a baby, I drive to campus, I talk to people, I drive people around, I think about writing, I consider cooking, I think about painting, I think about making things look pretty, I put out relationship fires, I water the garden, I sweep the floors, I sweep the floors again, I do laundry, and I spend my time wishing.

I'm feeling stuck. again

once the summer is over

2009-07-23T11:14:00.000-04:00

I plan on turning my little tree trimmings blog into a photojournalism type of project. Every week, I'm going to post at least one picture from the neighborhood (artfully taken, of course....hopefully). Along with the picture, I may or may not choose to include a caption, story, or brief synopsis of what's going on in the image.

In addition to the photojournalism project, I'm going to keep on posting thoughts and notes too.

Since I lost track of my original daily posts and themes, I'm moving toward something that I think will be more easily kept up with.

We'll see.

a few photos from the summer

2009-07-23T10:55:00.002-04:00

Isolation

2009-07-23T10:55:00.001-04:00

Living how and where we do is very isolating.

I find myself checking and rechecking my email and facebook many many times a day to see if anyone sent me a note that I can respond to. Otherwise, I'll have very little communication with folks who are outside the confines of Hyaets and the neighborhood.

Kids are knocking at my door right this minute, but sometimes I'd rather just talk to someone my own age who I might better relate to. The neighbor down the street might love a visit from me, but sometimes I'd rather just talk to someone who doesn't need compassion in the way the lonely neighbor might need compassion. Then again, when I do have a conversation with someone my own age, my own social status, etc, I'm left with nothing to say. I can't relate to whatever someone watched on tv cause I don't really watch tv and I can't talk about the newest store or restaurant or movie because I don't go a whole lot of places or spend much money.

I long for an intimate friendship, someone I could do things with and talk to about whatever's going through my mind, but how is that possible? Everyone who looks like me, is educated like me, believes in several of the things I believe in lives on the other side of town in suburbia and is content with mommy play dates and running errands.

On the flip side, I sure would like someone to ask me to join a mommy play date or run errands with them!

Or would I? Would it involve conversations about potty training and trips to the Walmart? I'm not so sure I can handle too much of that.

But I've chosen a different lifestyle, followed what I thought was a deep sense of calling. Is it possible to follow this sense of call and have friends at the same time? If so, how? Who?

Virtual email friends and facebook friends are not enough to sustain me.

more things....

2009-07-14T21:22:00.000-04:00

We spent a full week in Richmond on a mission trip. Our group was WONDERFUL and they got a long with one another and worked hard. It was nice to be in Richmond joining others who are doing good work: Tabernacle Baptist Church with Refugee ministry and BTSR with building repair and campus yard work. I had a good time with the kids that we took. I missed Greg and John Tyson.

The week that we were at home was also the week of July 4th, Matthew's b'day, and our first Living Room Lecture: Art, Faith, and Politics. I was disappointed with the turn out for the living room lectures. I had left 30 fliers to be passed out in the neighborhood, but no one passed them out while we were away, so I passed them out on the day before the lecture, but it was too late. I ran around like crazy cleaning up the house and setting it up and passing out fliers and preparing food on the day of the lectures. The summer missionaries took a day off that day, so a lot of the work was left for me to do last minute. We only had 3 guests, none of which were neighobrs. bummer. Our next lecture is July 24th: Music and Faith.

We celebrated Matthew's b'day with good food and friends. We watched the neighbor's crazy fireworks. Jackson and Sarah came for the party. I was glad to spend that time with them. Matthew got a bone from the Kelletts.

Krista and I left early for Unidiversity. I felt like I needed to be there early to set up since I was appointed the "co-director" and all. We got things ready and got settled in. The week went pretty well. I felt the whole week like I was trying really hard to do well so that folks would think I was good at being the director. I'm not so sure I accomplished the goal, but it was a good week nonetheless. At the end of the week, I was really tired.

No rest for the weary, though. Instead of riding home with our Hyaets group, I drove by myself to Raleigh where I picked up John Tyson from the Jarrells. Then, I went to Mom's house (nice nice guest room) and we made 100 pimento cheese sandwiches for Hollis' bridal shower. The next day, I got up early (THanks, John Tyson) and went to church with Mom. Then, we packed things up and headed to the shower. We helped set up and prepared my "work station" where I put together the hostess gifts for Hollis (scrap book and sea shell shadow box). The party was very nice and I think Hollis left feeling loved. That's what we were aiming for. Betsy took care of John Tyson while I was at the shower, so when it was done, we went to Betsy's house to visit and pick up the boy. I drove home, stopped at Cracker Barrell to rent a book on tape because I was so sleepy, and crashed when I got to my bed.

Monday, everyone was tired, but somehow kids managed to pry their way into our house anyway. We were all aggravated at each other and the kids due to the lack of rest, so I closed up the house midday during John Tyson's nap and took a nap myself. The summer missionaries retreated to the other house for some quiet. I took care of answering the door and phones when necessary. On Monday night, the Polaskis met us for dinner and we took Kelia so that they could meet her. They are helping to sponsor her while she's at Meredith.

By the way, Kelia got her letter from Meredith. After all the money she has earned through scholarships and such, she will only owe $5,000 a year! Amazing! Now it is up to us to help raise the rest. We can do it!

Today is Anna's b'day and because the girls are so tired and un-ready to be working, I've decided to give them a break by being on duty for them the rest of the week. Tomorrow, we're going to Union county to visit at my grandmother's house and see some friends at Passport Wingate. Then we'll come back for dinner and devos and I'll go to work at Student Orientation at UNCC in the evening.

Thursday, I'll take kids to the gym.

Friday, we've got a community meal.

I'm wondering when folks will give me a chance to rest, but for now I feel like I've got enough energy to make it through...although I don't feel like I have enough energy to clean my room (what a mess!).

Adam and Tracy come home soon. I've kept up with them via email and blog. It will be interesting to see how they adapt when they get home. Do not read when hungry! :) www.turnerjarrell.blogspot.com

We will go to the beach on July 25th. I'm looking forward to getting away. When we come back, though, there'll be 5 groups coming to do work and hear about Hyaets between July 31st and August 8th. Whoa!

Good news, we do not have to go to trail. Our neighbor made a plea.

Things I haven't said that I've been meaning to

2009-07-03T09:11:00.001-04:00

One of our neighbors is in jail for murder. We've been commanded by the DA to be a part of the trial. We have nothing to say. No real evidence. No real character witness information. The trial is supposed to take place during our already planned vacation. ugh. There's a kids in the neighborhood who supposedly is upset with us because we "snitched on him" about this and apparently according to other neighbors, the guy is ready to retaliate against us. We don't even know this guy. Scary. Upsetting. Frustrating. Not a great addition to our summer.

At the 5k race in May, Samia said something that really hit home. We were in Dilworth and we were walking to the park when she said, "Man! This place is pretty! It makes me want to never mess anything up. Don't you think so too, Miss Helms?"

Dr. Jones came to our house today to read to the children. I was honored that he accepted the invitation to come. I tried my best to get the house ready for his arrival, but it was hard to make it spotless because of all the wear and tear lately. (we could really use a thorough cleaning right now). He came, children showed up, and he read some stories. The kids seemed really interested and did a good job of sitting still and listening. We fed the kids lunch and Dr. Jones headed on out.
It meant something to me that he came and invested a part of himself in us, even if it was only for an hour. What he did meant something. Not to mention that when he came, it was almost as if the Pope was coming to town the way we all acted. We were on our best behavior for the pastor.

Matthew's birthday party is on Saturday. This is the one party I throw per year. (I used to throw one in December, but I quit) Every year, I get all excited and make good food and set up the yard for the big event thinking that this'll be a great party and that everyone will have a great time and be so happy to be here. And then the party begins and it is sort of dull. I don't have the right music to play. I don't have entertaining things for my guests to do. And so folks just sit around, eat, drink, talk, and eventually leave and I end up feeling like I did a poor job as a party hostess. This year, I'm going to set up the food and the yard and I'm not going to care as much if folks don't have a good time. I've decided it is not up to me whether folks feel entertained or not. (I am going to supply a few games and some bug spray, though.)

I had a really good conversation with Dr. Galindo from BTSR when I was up there last week. He encouraged me to keep on writing. (I had stopped) I'm going to try. Just wait till this summer is over!

Can I stand this long thick head of hair any longer? I'm trying to grow it out to donate, but it is getting on my last nerve. We'll see.

That's it for now.

2009-06-07T15:45:00.001-04:00

Sponsored by Hyaets, the Living Room Lecture series gives us all a chance to gather and discuss important topics related to faith. We hope this will be a good opportunity for neighbors, theologians, lay people, church members, and others to come together and share in dialogue with one another about matters of faith.

This summer, Hyaets presents the first of many Living Room Lectures to come with a three part Art Series: ***
1) Faith and Politics: Join us as we watch The Ordinary Radicals, a documentary following the "Jesus for President" tour led by Shane Claiborne and sponsored by The Simple Way. Tentative date: June 30th, 6:30pm, 2910 Parkway Ave*
2) Music and Faith: Dr. Tony McNeil will lead us in singing and discussion on The Lord's Supper and Congregational Singing. Communion will be served. 7:30pm, July 17th, 2910 Parkway Ave.
3) Photography and Spirituality: Maggie Farrington will lead us in a discussion on "capturing the light" through photography on August 21st at 7:00pm at 2904 Tuckaseegee Rd. On the following Saturday (August 22), Hyaets wil host a practical seminar on the mechanics and artistry of photography. (Bring your camera on Saturday and be ready to go out into the neighborhood for some photojournalism practice!)

All Living Room Lectures are free and are open to the public. (Ages 15+ preferred) If you'd like, you may bring a donation to Hyaets and/or refreshments to share with others.

*Stay tuned for any date and time changes.
***Stay tuned upcoming lectures in the fall.

We hope you'll join us for all three lectures!

Blogs I love...

2009-06-07T12:19:00.000-04:00

These are just a few:

http://dollarstorecrafts.com/
http://junkcamp.blogspot.com/
http://www.recyclethis.co.uk/
http://shuttersisters.com/
http://www.thingstodotoday.org/today
http://ethanandaubrey.blogspot.com/ (this is my college roomate's blog)
http://ethanandaubrey.blogspot.com/ (one of my hilarious old youth group kids from Richmond)
http://jademccullyphotography.blogspot.com/ (beautiful photography)
http://kellyraeroberts.blogspot.com/
http://turnerjarrell.blogspot.com/ (my brother and sister in law on a South American Adventure)

2009-06-03T14:04:00.001-04:00

Hello blog readers,
Hyaets recently had the joy of welcoming our two summer missionaries to Hyaets, but within 24 hours of arriving one of them has had to make the decision to go home (due to outside circumstances). Needless to say, the absence of one summer missionary leaves us in the lurch.

I anticipate that a summer without help will be unbearable and that I will likely be found in the back corner of a dark closet at the end of the summer if we do not find some committed and consistent helpers to join us regularly during the summer.

That said, do you know anyone? An older youth? A college student? A young single? Who could lend us a hand with some of our daily kids' activities/administrative duties/ household chores?

We are optimistically looking for someone who would fit well within our community and who might be willing to live with us for the summer and serve with us. If we can't find someone to be residential, we'll settle for someone who will come over regularly.

We are prepared to pay a small stipend to whomever might help us in this way.

I've got a detailed job description. So, if you think someone might be interested, I'll send the description to your email address.

If you know of anyone who might be willing to help step in and fill the void, it would be beyond appreciated.

Thanks for thinking it over with me,
Helms

In response to The Well April 2009...

2009-05-26T11:48:00.001-04:00

Michael-
I enjoyed your article [in The Well, April 2009]. I, too have been convicted lately of gaps between my rhetoric and my daily life. As we transition from the "just beginning our family/life/marriage stage" to the "been at this for a while and have our kids and lifestyle set stage", I think my responsibility to settle into a life for my family that is based on compassion, inclusivity, and sustainablility increases. Instead of starting those habits and ways of being now, though, I simply talk about doing it.
What good is joining and advocating for a CSA if I don't plant my own garden and teach my kids to eat what they grow?
What good is walking in an earth day parade if I always go shopping when my kids are in preschool?
What good is longing for community if I don't inivte people into my home weekly?
What good is thinking about inequality and the segregation of classes in our society if I don't even try public school with my own sons?
What good is recycling if I can't keep buying the crap I kinda sorta want a little with no restraint?
What good is teaching my kids to care for others without an eye for status if they never interact with any non-upper class people?

I don't want to wind up 50 and still be thinking I want to be more Christ-like in my social consciousness and activism...and instead be playing tennis and goiong to lunch everyday. With little changes in patterns and daily choices, our lives and experiential reality will drastically alter in the long run.
so thanks for your thoughts.
Brandi

Holy Weaknesses

2009-04-27T22:57:00.001-04:00

In the most recent issue of Conspire Magazine, Will Braun writes an article about "success" and living faithfully. I found the article to be insightful and inspiring and I hope you will too. I would love for you to read it and share your opinion on it. I'd especially like to hear from those of my friends who are oppressed or live in the margins as they might have a fresh perspective. Please read and comment if you get a chance. Thanks

Holy Weakness
Resurrection and the limits of success
By Will Braun

If Jesus has toppled the oppressive government of his time, I would be much clearer about my calling. If he had launched a campaign of nonviolent direct action with the poor or brought about land reform or ushered in universal health care, o protected a pristine wilderness, or made poverty history, I wouldn’t be so conflicted about how to live out my faith.
But he didn’t. Jesus’ resurrection was a victory of cosmic proportions, but it didn’t seem to achieve any outcomes of the sort listed above. Most notably, although many people of Jesus’ time wanted him to overthrow the overbearing Roman occupation, the risen lord did not use his authoritative victory as a chance to appear to the rulers to depose, lobby, or convert them.
This troubles me because I’m realizing that I’ve devoted much of my life to attaining precisely that which Jesus’ life didn’t. For fifteen years, I’ve tried to be the most savvy, effective, and competent social-justice advocate I can be—in the fields of indigenous struggles, environmentalism, and justice-oriented magazine editing.
For a long time, I’ve found ways to sidestep the discrepancy between my approach and Jesus’ approach, but now I’m at the point where it has me in a vocational tail spin, wondering whether to change direction significantly. I still believe the Jesus’ resurrection means something for poor and suffering people—other than just that they get pie in the sky—but it doesn’t seem to mean that their earthly battles will end in success.
The crossroad I am at hinges partially on the notion of success. While “Success” seems ill-suited to Jesus’ mission, I fear it has been all too well-suited to mine, I worry that I have unwittingly followed the standard success narrative of our times—a script in which a person has a dream or vision, follows the dream with singular commitment, believes in his or her self (perhaps in God as well), doesn’t give up, achieves victory of some sort (or “makes a difference”). The moral of the story tends to be: Destiny is yours. Try hard enough and you’ll succeed.
Though Christians regularly squeeze Jesus into this script, I’m nagged by a strong sense that the resurrection is not a success story. I feel I need to untangle the resurrection story from the prevailing success narrative in order to understand it, and my calling, more deeply.
When I consider what has brought me to this point, three stories come to mind. They seem to have chosen me rather than me choosing them. They draw me to a profoundly counterintuitive and unsuccessful understanding of the resurrection and what it means for injustice and suffering.
While living in France, Jean Vanier met two men who lived in an institution for developmentally disabled people. He was moved. He sensed their primal cry for love and belonging, and in their cry, he sensed the call of God. So, in the prime of his life, he invited the men to move into his home. Leaving a promising academic career behind, this son of the former Governor General of Canada began tenting to the daily needs of these men. It was a backward thing to do in many ways, but what Vanier slowly discovered was the ability of these men to bring him, through shared daily life, to a deep experience of tenderness, love, unity, and God.
“The whole Christian mystery is revealed to us through the weak and powerless, the little ones,” he wrote in a set of unpublished retreat notes in 1986, “The resurrection touches the depths of the desolation of Jesus.”
Vanier called the humble household of three L’Arche (French for “the ark”). For decades later, there are many L’Arche homes around the world. In these homes, people with developmental disabilities (“core members”) and those who assist them share life together. But the point is not to make L’Arche sound grandiose. It centers around wounded and weak people. “L’Arche is something very small,” Vanier says, “Little people in little communities…We don’t do great things at L’Arche.”
Vanier writes about “descending” from a world of accomplishment to be with core members who have no hope of achieving success in life no mater how much they believe in their dreams. And in those communities, outside the realm of success, the wonder of God emerges.
Similarly, Henri Nouwen descended to L’Arche and there discovered the core of faith. An academic and widely read Christian author, he worked his way up to a teaching post at Harvard. But while there, he wrote: “Something inside was telling me that my success was putting my soul in danger.” So he left, and spent the next ten years of his life at L’Arche community north of Toronto, Canada, where he died in 1996 at age 64.
Nouwen left Harvard to feed and wash people who had no idea what Harvard was and who had no use for the skills he had worked decades to obtain. He quit something he was very good at to do something he was admittedly poor at. And though his time at L’Arche was not easy, it became a rich gift to him. In a book called Adam: God’s Beloved, Nouwen tells of his relationship with Adam, a core member who could not speak or move without assistance. With great tenderness Nouwen explains how Adam taught him “the language of the heart” and revealed to him the meaning of spiritual poverty and what it means to be the beloved of God.
Nouwen veered off the path of success into a different realm altogether, “I still get invitations to speak all over the world," Nouwen wrote while at L’Arche, “But I have to say no. My Community says it’s more important to…spend an evening with someone who can’t speak or do anything than to speak to thousands of people.”
The third story that keeps popping up in my mind is of the Little Brothers and Little Sisters of Jesus, two Catholic monastic orders. These monks and nuns imitate the life of Jesus as a common laborer in Nazareth before his public ministry began. They call it the hidden life. They live humble lives, usually in small households in unknown, marginalized places. They might work in a factory or sweep floors at a school, but they don’t start schools or hospitals like some other orders. Their role is a role of obscurity.
Carlo Carretto left Italy in the 1950’s to join the Little Brothers in North Africa. In his book, Letters from the Desert, he tells of traveling through the desert by camel and coming across a group of laborers “wielding the shovel and pick all day in the heat and dust” to repair a road. “I passed up the line of workmen scattered on the track, replying to their greetings and offering the liters of water in my gherba for their thirst. At a certain point, among the mouths approaching the gherba to drink, I saw a smile break out which I shall never forget. Poor, ragged, sweating, dirty: it was Brother Paul, a Little Brother who had chosen that detail in which to live out is Calvary; to be a kind of leaven there….I knew Brother Paul well, because we had been novices together. A Parisian engineer, he had been working on the Reganna atomic bomb when he heard the Lord’s call. He left everything and became a Little Brother…Nobody knew he was an engineer. He was a poor man like the others.”
While these stories are not about social justice per se, they suggest that the victory of Christ is discovered when we exit the realm of success and move toward powerlessness.
In his landmark book, The Politics of Jesus, Anabaptist theologian John Howard Yoder says our calling is not to reach for the levers of control by which we can “Get a hold on the course of history and move it in the right direction.” Jesus did not “make sure that things would turn out right,” he says. Instead, Christ chose servant hood over dominion, meekness over effectiveness. The relationship of cause and effect has thus been replaced with cross and resurrection. Yoder suggests that we Christians must be liberated from “the compulsiveness of the vision of ourselves as the guardians of history” in order that we might “receive again the gift of being able to see ourselves as participants in the loving nature of God as revealed in Christ.”
I know what it is to compulsively reach for levers that influence decision makers. And when I bring to mind the relentless sense or urgency, strain, and “savior complex” that come with this reaching and striving, I feel drawn to the liberating possibility of a different approach.
God’s approach leads to victory. Yoder says, but the victory is different than what we would logically expect. Commentators suggest that many of the people waving palm branches as Jesus made his “triumphal” entry into the great city of Jerusalem would have desperately wanted him to lead a political revolution. Their expectations quickly provide entirely misguided. I wince at that story because I fear that I , along with many Christian world-changer types, are those people cheering Jesus on, expecting him to do things that are entirely outside his nature.
Jesus’ next act was the cleansing of the Temple, an act that social justice-minded Christians like to cite as an inspiring story of someone boldly confronting the powers. Yoder says this comparison is “partially valid,” but suggests this use of the story breaks down when “one asks whether Jesus’ ‘demonstration’ was a ‘success’.”
And so we end up somewhere very different than the success narrative. Instead of straining to take destiny by the horns and attain success, we have a descent to a point of powerlessness and then the emergence into the realm where God’s gentle, liberating, ultimate victory is realized. In the wake of holy weakness a new song is sung. One narrative is about strength, effectiveness, competence, ascent, influence, control, and striving. The other is about weakness, meekness, holy failure, liberation, descent, obscurity, and letting go.
What then might this all mean in the life of someone who feels called to address suffering and injustice?
I’m thinking hard these days about what a noneffective approach might look like. I expect it might mean less busyness (less striving) and more time to be present to suffering people. It might mean more time with small people and less with influential people. It might mean taking on fewer projects and turning down speaking gigs (which I have already found myself doing). It might mean not pushing my ideas a forcefully—whether with colleagues or the public. It might mean fretting less when events of history do not unfold as I wish, and focusing more on those things that live on in a plane not reported by the media. It might mean less resisting. I might mean doing nonsensical things. It might mean veering off the path of success.
As I begin experimenting with the descent, I find courage in believing that Jesus’ resurrection from the dead is an authoritative validation of the path he took. It signifies for me that the path of descent to powerlessness and meekness is not---as Vanier, Nouwen, Adam, and Brother Paul discovered---a dead end.

Will Braun is a father, part-time social-justice advocate, and part time editor of Geez magazine. He lives in Winnipeg, Canada and can be reached at will@geezmagazine.org

Sticks and stones may break your bones

2009-04-20T21:51:00.001-04:00

But words can surely kill you. Or even laughs, for that matter.

Recently, we've received some "criticism" of who we are both from neighbors (some rumor going around scaring kids into thinking we're bad people) and from clergy (some folks questioning why we're not "working" full time and why we're "always" asking for money).

What's so frustrating is that these comments, when said, consume me. They take over any amount of affirmation we may have had, any amount of encouragement, any amount of excitement and replace those feelings with feelings of self doubt, fear, and anxiety leaving me/us with dead spirits.

All we want to do is to be found faithful by God and others. We want people to recognize Christ at work within us. We're here doing what we're doing, living how we're living because we feel called, because we feel obligated by God, because we want to serve. We're working part time jobs so that we can serve our neighbors fully and also so that we can live more simply, not dependent on the fine material things in life. We don't raise money to support ourselves, we raise money to support our neighbors.

I wish when people had criticism, they'd come straight to us rather than speak their criticism to other people. (neighborhood gossip, clergy grapevine) It would help us to hear the critique, it would challenge us to think with a fresh mind about who we are and how we function.

So, if you think we're wrong. If you think we're a scam. If you think we're hypocritical. If you think we're unfaithful. If you think we're exclusive. Just talk to us. please.

If you want to give me a huge Christmas present....

2009-04-17T11:33:00.001-04:00

Here's what I'd like:

http://bepresentretreats.blogspot.com/

Several artists are hosting a retreat on the Oregon coast in October. My goodness! Wouldn't it be wonderful?!

Hyaets request

2009-04-06T17:08:00.000-04:00

Dear Friends, Family, and Partners,
As the ministries and relationships of Hyaets have grown over the past year, we have discovered many needs within the Enderly Park Community. You may be aware that, in the current challenging economic times, needs arise within all areas of society. However, these needs tend to be greatest among the poor who have little to nothing to fall back on when jobs are lost or cut, few family resources, and greater competition for the limited government and charitable resources available. We have already begun to see these needs affect a variety of areas of life, including the education of youth. God is already at work in many of these areas in a variety of ways and we need your help to join with God in God’s mission and ministry among the neighbors of Enderly Park.

Neighborhood Home Repair
We currently have several neighbors who are in need of significant home repair assistance. The needs include floor repair, drywall work, painting, wheelchair ramps, demolition work, roof repair, foundation repair, and siding repair. Several neighbors who own homes in the neighborhood cannot live in their homes because this work needs to be done to make the house livable. In addition, the Hyaets Parkway house is in immediate need of painting the entire exterior.
Transitional Housing Initiative
For several months now we at Hyaets have been working on a Transitional Housing Initiative. This initiative developed out of a strong desire to help neighbors who have difficulty maintaining stable housing. We have found that eviction is a chronic issue in the neighborhood for a variety of reasons, including job loss, lack of needed financial management skills, certain life decisions, and housing choices. While Hyaets currently offers transitional housing within the current homes of Hyaets members, the needs are far greater than we have been able to handle thus far. For example, there is need for a life skills development component to our current offering of hospitality and there is need for longer periods of housing than we are able to offer in our own homes.
We are committed to offering temporary housing within our homes for neighbors who are in-between places or who find themselves as sojourners or travelers through Charlotte, but we see the need for a more substantial offering for folks who need assistance with more chronic housing issues. Thus, we have formed a partnership with NewLeaf Christian Transitional Housing Ministry and the Christian Men’s Alliance of Charlotte to secure a house adjacent to our current properties and implement a relational transitional housing project. The house needs much cosmetic work to make it livable or workable for such a project, primarily in the area of painting.

Temple Enderly Community School Initiative
A new relationship between Hyaets, Temple Baptist Church International, and the Q Foundation has brought about the formation of the Temple Enderly Community School Initiative which seeks to begin a school for neighborhood youth. The impetus behind the school is to create a positive educational environment focusing of the arts for elementary and middle school aged youth who have fallen behind and are educationally ‘at risk’. The facilities for the school need a large amount of painting and flooring work as soon as possible. Bathroom renovation is a necessity as well. The construction of a playground is a future need for the school.
Hyaets is committed to these two significant areas of need. We invite you, your church, your men’s, women’s, or youth group, your service/civic organization, or your family to help us! This spring or summer, plan a day, weekend, or week-long mission experience with Hyaets. We will tailor a mission experience to your group’s time, skills, gifts, and needs. We are not a one-size-fits-all organization. Rather, we desire to work with your church or organization to create an experience that will be mutually beneficial, holistic, authentic, and relational. Can you give of yourself, your time, your energy, and your gifts to those who need you – your friendship, your listening ears, and your helping hands?
We are eagerly waiting to speak with you and begin planning your life-changing mission experience in one of the most at-risk, threatened, and poor, yet equally beautiful and story-filled communities of Charlotte. Please contact Jason at 704-391-8529, 704-280-9116, or Jason@hyaets.org to speak personally about how you can join in God’s great work in the Enderly Park Community of Charlotte, NC.

Thanks, Grace and Peace,
The Hyaets Community

Have you missed getting the Hyaets announcements? Do you know what's going on in the life of Hyaets? Have you heard our good news lately? You must sign up to receive the Hyaets announcements! Do so by going to http://hyaets.org and clicking on "announcements".

Be uncommonly good
Helms
"And deep in my heart I do believe we shall overcome some day, by God's grace, by helping the seed of the kingdom grow in ourselves and in each other until finally in all of us it becomes a tree where the birds of the air can come and make their nests in our branches. That is all that matters really."
~Fredrick Buechner
crafts: www.littletreetrimmings.etsy.com
Hyaets blog: http://hyaets.org/blogs/index.php?blog=6
Little Tree Trimmings blog: www.littletreetrimmings.blogspot.com
Helpful family friendly tips: http://www.familyzip.com/author/iamhelmsie
704.763.3571

Taking an old Advent sermon and making it something new

2009-03-30T17:38:00.000-04:00

I've been asked to share a few words tonight at the prayer house before the students participate in self guided reflection. I had in mind to take an old sermon and revamp it. I couldn't find the one I really wanted, but found an Advent sermon instead. I think the way I've changed it around will work for today. (5th Sunday in Lent, focus on Agape love for God and neighbor, spoken to college students who are members of NC's Baptist Campus Ministry at UNCC)

Are any of you tired? Do you feel sometimes like you are sleep walking to class and then laying your head down on the desk during the lecture?
It is almost as if we're asleep and we're dreaming some sort of horrible nightmare where people pass us by without speaking and we go to class without thinking; where people curse one another because of an orange bouncy ball and a hoop and we kill each others' spirits with silence and apathy. Is there any hope for us?

We're sleeping through our lives, not noticing, not appreciating, not thinking, not caring. Or at least that's what it seems like sometimes.

Don't you hear God yelling, "Wake up!"
"Wake Up! I am here!"

Our hope is here. Our life is here. Our light is shining. Wake up!

The Bible says, "Jacob came to a certain place and stayed there for the night, because the sun had set. taking one of the stones of the place, he put it under his head and lay down in that place. And he dreamed that there was a ladder set up on the earth, the top of it reaching to heaven; and the angels of God were ascending and descending on it. And the Lord stood beside him and said, 'I am the Lord, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac; the land on which you lie I will give to you and to your offspring; and your offspring shall be like the dust of the earth, and you shall spread abroad to the west and to the east and to the north and to the south; and all the families of the earth shall be blessed in you and in your offspring. Know that I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.' Then Jacob woke fro his sleep and said, 'Sureley the Lord is in this place and I did not know it!' And he was afraid, and said, 'How awesome is this place! This is non other than the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven."

The presence of the Lord is not a dream it is real. God is present in and with the person who has a rock for a pillow and a tree for shelter.

God is present in and with the boy who is sent on his own, away from home. God is present in our numb sleepwalking lives, beckoning us to "Wake Up!"

Like a thief in a sleepy night, God steals us away from the world we know and sweeps us off to real places and real people we can only dream of...to places like a holy manger, where we see a baby boy being born right before our very eyes. We'll hold his perfect body, we'll count his ten toes and fingers, we'll see a bright star scattering the darkness and bringing light. What seems like a dream to us is a reality. This is the real thing we're being snatched off to. In this dreamy reality, we're taken on a journey, fleeing from Herod, carrying the Christ child in our arms across dry land.

And then, in a blink of an eye, this boy becomes a man. His voice changes, his shoulders broaden and he'll leave home. Once again, he'll steal us away, leaving family and possessions to follow him. We witness never before seen miracles, unconditional love, and deep care in his presence.

He'll take us to a candle lit room and he'll share bread and wine with us. We'll pray together and enjoy each other's company.

As soon as we think we've got it all figured out, he'll set us down and say, "Wait here! I'm going to suffer this part of the journey alone."

We won't put up a fight. As if we are asleep again, we'll lay dazed and confused at the sight of our friend and teacher, dying right in front of us.

Forgetting what he said about waiting, we'll stumble to our feet and head home. Weary and worn out, we'll curl up and pray that this nightmare might end.

Wake up! He's here! Wake up!

Anxious and doubting, we'll get up. We've got to see this for ourselves. How can he really be here?

And there he is...Is this a dream? We'll have to pinch ourselves to make sure it's real.

Wake Up! He is Here! Expect him to be here! He IS here!

This isn't the time to by lying in darkness, in hopelessness, in dispair. This is a time to awaken your senses to God's presence. Let go of the heavy rock you've been slumbering on and Wake up! God is present and calling on us to respond with faith in Him and Love for our neighbor.

Spend as much time as you need praying with God, waking up to God around and within you. Respond to God's wake up call by pledging to serve your neighbor, praying for your enemy, and caring for the forgotten. God encourages us and challenges us to share our Love for Him with others, to wake up not only to God but also to your neighbor. Take this time to listen and respond to God's love and presence in this place. This is the time to Wake up! Wake Up, Oh Sleeper. Your light has come!

I had to share this

2009-03-18T21:33:00.001-04:00

I love this icon painted by Roisin Reilly

I'm back!

2009-03-16T10:50:00.000-04:00

I'm back and I've sort of forgotten my regular blogging routine. THis might be the perfect time to change some things up since I don't remember which day was designated for what.

I'm wondering, if I were to change up some things on my blog, what would I change? What would readers want to see? Do I have readers? If a tree falls in a forest and if a blog is written in the blogosphere, will anyone hear/read it? I'd like you to send me your ideas for what I could include in this blog. My intent is to redo my blog in the next few weeks...new pics, new colors, new format...maybe? I hope you'll give me some ideas of what would be interesting.

I just got back from a trip to Richmond with UNCC's BCMers. I witnessed a lot of things in one week: the lovely city life, architecture, my old stomping grounds, and a big house fire. I saw old friends and ate at old favorite restaraunts. All in all, it was a good trip.

Now, I'm back and I have tons of laundry to do and house straightening too.

Looking forward to hearing from you about the blog or about life in general.

Out of town

2009-03-05T22:19:00.000-05:00

I'll be gone from now until March 15th. I will not add to my blog during those days.
Try not to miss me too much. :)

Imago Dei

2009-03-03T11:05:00.000-05:00

We read Psalm 51 on a snow day. Read it and see.

A Prayer for Forgiveness
1You are kind, God!
Please have pity on me.
You are always merciful!
Please wipe away my sins.
2Wash me clean from all
of my sin and guilt.
3I know about my sins,
and I cannot forget
my terrible guilt.
4You are really the one
I have sinned against;
I have disobeyed you
and have done wrong.
So it is right and fair for you
to correct and punish me.
5I have sinned and done wrong
since the day I was born.
6But you want complete honesty,
so teach me true wisdom.
7Wash me with hyssop [a] until I am clean
and whiter than snow.
8Let me be happy and joyful!
You crushed my bones,
now let them celebrate.
9Turn your eyes from my sin
and cover my guilt.
10Create pure thoughts in me
and make me faithful again.
11Don't chase me away from you
or take your Holy Spirit
away from me.
12Make me as happy as you did
when you saved me;
make me want to obey!
13I will teach sinners your Law,
and they will return to you.
14Keep me from any deadly sin.
Only you can save me!
Then I will shout and sing
about your power to save.
15Help me to speak,
and I will praise you, Lord.
16Offerings and sacrifices
are not what you want.
17The way to please you
is to feel sorrow
deep in our hearts.
This is the kind of sacrifice
you won't refuse.
18Please be willing, Lord,
to help the city of Zion
and to rebuild its walls.
19Then you will be pleased
with the proper sacrifices,
and we will offer bulls
on your altar once again.

J is for...

2009-03-03T10:59:00.000-05:00

J is for jukebox. If you go to http://www.last.fm/ you can look up your favorite musicians and listen to them and other musicians like them online. I've found some of my favorite groups and have bookmarked their pages so that when I'm in the mood to listen to them, I can click and there they are. Check out bands like:
David Schultz and the Skyline
Stevie Wonder
Letters to Cleo
Julianna Hatfield
Wayfaring Strangers
Earth Wind and Fire
James Taylor
Paul Simon
and
Derek Webb

Bold and Beautiful

2009-03-03T10:41:00.000-05:00

It finally snowed in Charlotte. It was enough to play in and reasonably enough to validate the day out of school that the kids got. We had a lot of fun playing with neighbors!

Best comment of the weekend: Lamar, along with several others, is headed to the park to sled. Ice is dropping off of the trees and onto the pavement. You can hear it hitting the pavement everywhere. Lamar says, "Miss Helms! It sounds like Pop Rocks!" It did! It did sound like Pop Rocks!

See the pictures from our snow day here.

Best of...

2009-02-27T15:45:00.000-05:00

HOUSES

Take a look at this cool house on youtube.